You say I am Frozen
by btfanboy
Summary: Logan had left the big life behind, exchanged the spotlight for normalcy, but he had also left his heart and now it called out to him, because it was breaking. Jangsty.
1. Chapter 1

**You say I am Frozen**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. (Not even the word Jangsty that's the property of ZheDoctursMinion115 I am just spreading it around)**

**Pairing: James/Logan**

**Rating: M **

**Warnings: Smut, language, jangsty, drama**

**A/N: I need to start this story with a warning. The only thing I can promise you is that it will not end with a suicide and that's it. This story basically is angst by the gallons. It will be a lot shorter than "My infuriating shallow jerk**" **because it sort of has a time schedule. Its future show verse and I will be using the rest of the Btr cast for the first time. Some may be out of character of course but that's expected with my writing and it can get confusing that's also a problem with me. Anyway there will be a couple of O.C here and there. The title is derived from the Within Temptation song "Frozen". If you deem me worthy of your time please review.**

**P.S: Btrcutie step away from this story! NOW!**

Logan was washing the dishes, his hands were filled with soap and the smell relaxed him somewhat, something he needed with the body wreaking roller coaster he called a life. Being a pop star was much easier than being a surgeon, being a teen was much easier than being an adult and being with him was much easier than...He heard his cell phone ring but it was left on the kitchen table and his hands were too wet and the pile of dirty dishes too big. He gave a frustrated growl out and turned his head to the direction of the bedroom.

"Honey! Can you get that for me! I'm busy." She walked in pacing hurriedly, their three year old sleepy son wrapped around her arms. She seemed flustered but not annoyed; she gave him a smile and tried to balance the phone between her ear and her shoulder.

"If it's the hospital tell them I am not doing any more extra shifts this week." Logan turned his attention back to the dishes as he stretched his ears to listen to the conversation.

"Hello who is this? Kendall! Hi Kendall! Baby its Kendall! How are you? Yeah, Logan's here, he's doing some chores, it'll be a moment. Can you... Kendall you sound upset is something wrong?" Logan turned his head to face her, she seemed worried now, their son who was content at sucking his thumb and pulling her hair felt the anxiety and started to fidget violently to break free, Logan closed the running water and took a towel to dry his hands, he gave her a sign to pass the phone over and she did while she rocked the baby boy gently trying to calm him down.

"It's Kendall, something happened..." He took the phone hands shaking feeling his heart beating in anxiety.

"Kendall are you alright? Mama Knight...Katie?" He asked trying to find the reason behind his oldest friend's heavy patted breathing.

"I'm fine, we're all fine Logan, it's not us. Relax..." Logan's mind immediately formed the worst most long shot scenarios, maybe Carlos had a car accident, or Gustavo had a heart attack or something fell on Kelly crushing, her breaking her every bone, it wasn't his fault really he was trapped in the E.R since his internship started and that was two years ago, he had seen too much random cruelty be distributed to good people for no reason at all.

"It's James Logan...Brooke died yesterday..." And it had to be James, and it had to be something world shattering, something to wake Logan's mind and drown him in the memories.

"How...when..." The last thing Kendall intended was to break the news like this, hastily and with a choked tone but he was tired and he had other people to inform, Logan was the most important and the most special of them all in a way, and the hardest one too.

"Yesterday…she slipped coming out of the bath tub...James found her." Logan fell silent, he turned away from his wife and paced body shaking to their bedroom, he knew that would just make her fear elevate but it was that or falling apart in front of her and their son, he gently closed the door, and bit his lip, eyes desperately fighting the tears away.

"How's James..." Kendall knew from the pained whisper that Logan could talk a little more freely now, but that didn't make things easier.

"A mess. He called me at daybreak and he sounded so broken, I've never heard him like this..." Although that was a lie Kendall told out of kindness for Logan, because he had heard James cry frantically with a choked voice, breathing desperately once before, the day it was over, the day Logan left.

"God..." Logan fell on his bed, one hand on his forehead trying to wipe the newly formed sweat away.

"Logan the funeral's the day after tomorrow, back in Minnesota. I know this is hard for you but..."

"No. It'll make things worse for him. You can't ask me to come." Kendall wanted to snap at him but he had to keep his wits if he wanted to succeed.

"Everybody's flying in to give their support. You can't be the only one missing. It'll devastate him."

"He'll be more devastated if I show up Kendall! I haven't talked to him in six fucking years for crying out loud! He hates me, and for good reason too!" He wanted to shout but he couldn't, not with the two people in the other room so he whispered angrily instead.

"Dude I've told you before, he doesn't hate you! He...Come on Logan you know how he feels!" Kendall had a thousand arguments none of them appropriate since they could easily make Logan implode in anger and give his secret away.

"No I don't, and even if you're right then it'll be better if we never see each other again, not to mention in his mother's funeral. He won't be able to handle it and neither will I!" Kendall didn't want to resort to guilt, he had seen the events unfold first hand between them, and he even felt responsible in a way. He hated losing, but he knew when to step down.

"At least let me pass him your condolences or better yet call him or text him even, I'll give you his number." Logan felt his heartbeat slow down to a stop; this was too much of a gamble, communication with James. One wrong word and his entire life could go out in flames, he could lose everything but still the thought of James feeling any sort of relief by Logan's sympathy was sort of worth it too.

"Fine, I'll try calling him later, send me his number. I'm not giving you any promises though."

"Yeah of course, I know its risky Logan. James could flip and say anything to you and if she overhears it or sees a wrong message...But I have faith in him and you both, even now, I know you'll do what's best for you." If Kendall was trying to be supportive and encouraging he was failing miserably at it, but still it was too late for Logan to back down, that part of him that would always belong to James no matter what, had woken from its slumber and it was screaming in rage inside of him wrestling for control.

After the phone call ended Logan didn't leave the room, he waited for Kendall to send him the number, he waited for his body and mind to settle before going back, unfortunately for him she couldn't fight her own worries much longer and she came into the bedroom.

"Is everything alright? What happened?"

"The Knights are fine, Brooke Diamond died yesterday." It took her a few seconds to recognize then name, her worry subsided but some still remained and now there was something else, she looked at Logan with eyes full of sadness, he felt his guilt explode.

"James's mother? The one that had you change your name?" Logan nodded and she sat beside him, she stared at the open door and across the living room where their son was playing with some toy cars, he stared at the floor not wanting to face her, one hand holding his phone with all the strength he had.

"Logan how long has it been since you talked to James?" He gave a sigh out.

"Since the band broke up, right before I left for college..."

"I never got that, I've seen how close you are with Carlos and Kendall, I've seen photos at your parents' with you and James from when you were the happiest kids in the world, every one person you've ever introduced me from your singing days talks about him like he's the gentlest , kindest man on the planet, but not you. I know you're guilty but..." Logan shot up from the bed and looked at her in terror.

"What do you mean guilty?" He mumbled under sthenic breath.

"Come on sweetie, I know you blame yourself that the band broke up...And didn't James take it the hardest from you all? That's why you haven't spoken with each other all these years right?" In a way she was right but the vital pieces were of course missing, the real reason Logan left Los Angeles and never looked back had nothing to do with his dreams of being a doctor and had everything to do that he couldn't bare hurting James anymore.

"Yeah, he's never forgiven me for that..."

"Neither have you. I know you miss him and you regret not having him in your life dear, maybe you can be there for him now, go to the funeral show him you still care." This was too much, his oblivious wife trying to make him face his sinful past, Logan couldn't take it, he started to make excuses in order to escape.

"I can't do that, he won't want me there and it's held in Minnesota the day after tomorrow anyways. I can't just leave my job and you alone with the baby for three days." She shook her head and got up from the bed herself. She had some anger in her eyes now.

"That's a load of crap and you know it. My mom takes care of him while we're at work and will have no problem staying a couple of extra hours to help out. And you have more unused leave days that anyone at the hospital, Dr Stein will give you a year off if you call him even now. You can have Kendall call James and ask him if you can go, or better yet call him yourself." Fate was fickle and cruel Logan thought, this was just too surreal.

"If he was half the friend to you like Carlos or Kendall still are you owe him Logan. You have to at least try." He fought the urge to scream at her, for being naive and stupid, he wanted to tell her right in her face that James wasn't a friend, he was his entire world once and the real reason he didn't want to go was that he was too scared of never coming back to them again.

"I need to think about it." He mumbled and left to go back to the kitchen sink, he didn't see her eyes go wild with something that was neither love nor anger.

Half an hour later he received James's phone number, he was sitting by the table with his laptop checking the flight schedules to his hometown, but the browser was set on small just in case she threw a glance at the screen but she was too busy watching a cartoon before tucking the laughing boy in her arms in bed.

His hands were shaking uncontrollably as he picked the phone up, he shut the laptop down and went as nonchalantly in the bathroom as he could fake he grabbed a towel and his pajamas on the way, he locked the door quietly, he was too much of a coward to call and went to the text menu instead.

"I know I am bothering you at a time like this but I heard about your mom. I am so sorry James." He signed it with his name and pressed send, he opened the shower in full throttle as a decoy trying to decide how much time he could wait without raising suspicions. He felt the buzzing in his hand almost a minute later; he blinked confounded at the light up screen.

"Thank you." He let a breath of relief out; he could easily drop the subject there. He started to undress to take a real shower when another text shook his core.

"Can you come to the funeral? It's the day after tomorrow, back home. I know it's too much to ask but I need you there Logan." He felt his mouth dry and he blinked his eyelids like he was having an epileptic shock, Kendall was one thing, she was another, but James asking for his support was what tore the dam down.

"James are you sure?" That was all his trembling fingers could manage to write.

"I need to see you. You can come with your family if you want, I won't do anything stupid, please Logan. One last time. I won't bother you ever again, I won't even talk to you, just let me see your face." Logan cried, he felt so confused, how could James still care for him after all these years, after all that had been said and done between them. But before Logan could decide another message came.

"Forget about it. I overstepped the line; it's too much to ask. I don't even know why I did it. Sorry Logan. Goodnight." Logan frantically pulled the number out and called, all his sense crumbled, he was more scared that James wouldn't pick up than his dreaded secret being blown to smithereens. With every passing tone that James didn't answer Logan felt his lungs crushing in tighter and then he heard a voice he hadn't heard for an eternity, he was suddenly filled with a wave of confidence, he was certain he wanted do this more than anything else in his entire life.

"Logan…" Pain, broken, lifeless, but still it was James's voice that called his name out, and Logan felt like he was complete once more.

"I'll be there for you I promise."

"Really…"

"Yeah, I'll fly tomorrow, I'll come alone."

"Are you sure? I don't want to cause you…"

"I don't care…You need me, I just don't want to hurt you again."

"You won't…" They both kept the last sentence that sprung in their minds boxed in, they didn't even say goodbye they just hung up. James first and then Logan, he erased every text and hit the shower letting the running cold water mingle with his tears.

* * *

As she had said when she tried to persuade him there was no actual problem making preparations, the hospital chief gave him a week's leave, his mother-in-law was more than happy to help out, his parents were out of town for a trip but he had keys to their place, the hardest thing Logan had to do when he left the following morning was to explain to his son why daddy had to be out of the house for a longer time than he usually was.

"I'll be back in three days sport, don't cry." The toddler that had inherited Logan's hair and most of his face looked at his father with angry tears hugging him for dear life.

"Three…" He held two tiny fingers out at him.

"Yeah three, just like how old you are." He lifted another finger and fell on his father's chest and then cried some more, because he hated it when his daddy didn't read him a story by his bedside at night to hunt the nightmares away. Logan's job had scarred the boy already by demanding too much of his time. She made him his suitcase and encouraged him to try and talk to James if the situation allowed it. He said nothing but that he loved her and kissed her in the mouth softly when he left, promising to call her once he touched ground. She spend most of her morning staring at the door he closed behind.

The flight was long but Logan had a life full of tours under his belt, so he managed to get some sleep even if his mind and heart were bursting with emotions, when he got out of the Minnesota central airport he started searching for Kendall's car at the parking lot, he was already home hours before Logan, living a few miles drive away from their hometown. He didn't expect to find the old Btr mobile waiting for him and definitely not Katie of all people sitting impatient behind the driver's wheel. His instincts told him to run for it.

"You're late." First thing she told him when he got in the car and it was evident from her tone that she wasn't talking about the flight. Every time Logan visited Minnesota to see his own family, he went to the Knights' house as well, Katie had to remain civilized for the sake of Logan's ruse, she held her opinion on the subject of the break up for six long years just because her mother and Kendall asked her to, and there was a baby involved Katie was far smarter to shoot her mouth in front of Logan's wife so he held her silence even if it went against her very nature. But now after tricking Kendall to let her pick Logan up she had decided to go for the kill.

"Hi Katie."

"Oh, don't Hi Katie me douche bag!" With that she started the car and with a violent turn took off for the road.

"Katie don't, please! You can chew my head off at Thanksgiving. I promise you, just the two of us someplace far away from witnesses!"

"No, you're free to jump off If you want" She hit the freeway and the speed pedal, going a little higher than the allowed speed limit, and if a cop tried to pull her up she was prepared to have Logan pay for the ticket.

"You're being ridiculous!" Logan was holding on his seat face twisted with panic sweating like a pig.

"No you are. And you are also insensitive, selfish and plain cruel! Who the hell do you think you are Mitchell! You left James all broken and now you come with the intention of doing it all over again."

"First of all slow down I have a kid waiting for me back home! And second of all James asked me to come okay!" She snorted but she did reduce her speed, just because she didn't want to get to her destination before having emerged victorious from the conversation.

"Oh please, James's a sucker when it comes to you! I thought you were the smarter one of the gang though. Well, obviously I was wrong." She shrugged her shoulders in disappointment.

"Well, it was Kendall's idea that I talk to him in the first place." She rolled her eyes with that.

"Don't bring my brother into this. You know he thinks that he failed both you and James somehow because you didn't work it out. He'd give an arm and a leg to get you in the same room."

"Kendall blames himself but you blame me don't you?" He was just as angry with her now as she was with him.

"Damn straight I do! You broke up with him, left the band and got your college rebound girl knocked up, while James had to put his pieces back together. And just when he's finally moving on after six years, his solo career hits its peek he gets awards and platinum records one after another, then his mom dies and you think that you can waltz into his life again."

"No I don't! You are right, this is a terrible awful idea but I can't stay away knowing that he needs me!"

"What's the difference! You did it back then and you are going to do it again the moment the funeral's over!"

"I DON'T KNOW ALLRIGHT! I JUST WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN! I MISS HIM!" She didn't say a word, not about his shouting or the unchecked tears that came out of his welling eyes, running down his cheeks, she just turned at the first exit and found a quiet place to park. She let him wipe the tears away and catch his breath; she untied her seatbelt slouching back at her seat and looked at him her fury tempered.

"Talk to me." And Logan saw the ten year old girl bright beyond her years, more kind than she allowed strangers to know she was, the little sister that travelled with them chasing their dreams of stardom, the young woman she had become couldn't take that away from her no matter how many years passed by.

"Of course I miss him Katie. What did you think, I'm heartless? Its James we're talking about, I grew up with him, he was a brother to me for as far back as I can remember, and when we finally allowed it, he became more, he was the love of my life. He'll always be the love of my life." She had a few choice words to say to him about that but she wanted to hear him out first.

"When I left, I thought I was doing what's best for us. You were too young back then, you only saw me dumping him. Well, you're wrong Katie, this story has two sides, yes I did hurt James immensely but he hurt me too. He suffocated me." She let a sarcastic grunt out and Logan looked at her mad with rage.

"You're telling me you left because James wanted to come out in the open about you two?"

"No! Because that wasn't just it! He wanted the world to know while I hadn't even told my parents yet. He got me an engagement ring while we were barely twenty and two months away from our one year anniversary! I tried to talk some sense to him but he didn't listen! He was going too fast and I couldn't follow! I needed some space and he didn't even leave me room to breathe. So I left before he could swallow me whole." She laughed, hard, and it took Logan a second to realize why but when he did he started laughing with her.

"No pun intended of course…"

"Of course. But Logan, I get it, you had problems but couldn't you have tried to work them out? Did you have to be so final about it?"

"Well, I could blame it on my youth, but that would be a lie. I wanted out because I didn't feel safe anymore, respected, and I had to go as far away as I possibly could before the situation with James became a rerun of the one with Camille. On and off again until we couldn't bear to look each other in the eyes." His tone was low and sad, he was reminiscing on his mistakes and made his own heart heavy with unbearable sin, James wasn't the only victim, everyone had suffered by his string of wrong choices, the first girl he loved, his brotherhood friends, his surrogate mother and his little sister who now stood beside him looking at him quietly making her judgment

"You should have told me all this back then. I could have helped. And don't you dare tell me I was too young or it was none of my business because I'll force feed you the condoms I keep in the glove compartment." She opened it and threw one at him hitting him squarely on the chest.

"Way too much information! And no Katie, I didn't tell anyone back then that was my biggest mistake, I told Kendall most of my problems with James the day I broke up with him. And I told Carlos when he started speaking to me again after I begged him to be my best man. Your mother knew everything though, I still don't know how."

"She was James's confidant back then she swapped places with Camille after we moved from L.A, you got to love the irony. God, I wish I could see your face when their publicists announced they were dating." Katie boomed suddenly making him laugh again.

"On my freaking birthday too! I fell from the couch laughing like a mad man actually. Didn't buy it for a second. They can both be as juvenile as Carlos pretends he is."

"What about the rumor? The one with Camille and Jett going at it at that club?" Logan's laughter immediately died out.

"Now that was just creepy…"

"Well, you can ask her if you have the guts. She'll be in town tonight; she's coming with Gustavo and Kelly." She started the car up and took immense satisfaction on his pale horrid face.

"Drive me back to the airport. I changed my mind; I can't handle both James and Camille at the same time." She smiled evilly and shook her head.

"Oh, I'm sorry, no backing down now. And if you run I'm e-mailing her your home address. Or better yet I'll get her and James in a plane and have them drop kick your door down. Hell! I'll even invite old man Bitters and eat snacks with him while we watch the show for old time's sake."

"You'll never change will you?" He stroked her hair the same way he did with his son, she looked at him sighing.

"Somebody has to remain the same since all four of you dorks decided to grow up without my permission." They kept the conversation light the rest of the way, talking about her first year of college and Logan's medical practice, Logan felt calm until they reached the Knight residence, and then he saw an expensive car parked in the drive in, the plates had the word Diamond written boldly on them. Logan tried to remember his knowledge and the percentage of people that died of stroke at the age of twenty six.


	2. Chapter 2

**You say I am Frozen**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. (Not even the word Jangsty that's the property of ZheDoctursMinion115 I am just spreading it around)**

**Pairing: James/Logan**

**Rating: M **

**Warnings: Smut, language, jangsty, drama**

**A/N: Surprisingly not much to tell other than the fact I love writing Carlos! I thought it would be Kendall but nope, it's Carlos! Anyway because this story has taken a turn to obscure feel free to either P.M me with your questions or drop it entirely (leaving an angry review behind cause I want to know where I screwed up!) Thanks guys you're awesome!**

Logan couldn't move an inch from his seat, he just stared mouth agape at what seemed to be James's car.

"Dude, I swear I didn't know he was still here. I would have said something." Katie sounded apologetic, she hadn't exactly forgiven him yet and even though the entire purpose for Logan was to see James he didn't expect it to be so soon. His heartbeat was loud and his skin colorless, his breathing pated and his head felt heavy. James was there, in the house, just a few meters away and Logan imagined him to be crying curled on the living room couch comforted by the others, waiting for Logan to come to his rescue. He unfastened his seatbelt and got out of the car, before taking a step forward though the front door opened wide.

"You're here!" Carlos ran and tackled him arms opened wide, they almost fell on the front lawn but Logan managed to keep them both up.

"Oomph! Hey, Carlitos." Logan patted his back, he felt him shaking and even though he was smiling wide Logan could see the dark circles around his eyes.

"Man, you should have called me and told me you were coming. I could have changed planes over at your airport and we could have taken the same flight to Minnesota!"

"Sorry about that, I assumed Kendall told you."

"I had already booked a late flight and was in the airport by the time we talked again."

"And give Kendall a break, he's playing bearer of bad news for two days straight." Kendall announced himself with an excuse and walked slouching; body tired out the door his mother behind him. Carlos let Logan go just so Kendall could take his place, they hugged tightly and Kendall almost collapsed.

"How are you holding?" Logan asked whispering in his ear.

"Better now that we're all here." He stepped aside and it was his mother's turn.

"Glad you made it dear. Have you eaten anything? Let's get you inside, you must be freezing." Once upon a time even though he loved Mrs. Knight as dearly as he loved his own mother, a little more if he had to be honest, like every other teenager he found her constant worrying a little too overbearing even though their lives had been transformed from one big time zany adventure after the next, but now as a parent himself he threw her the most understanding of looks. She gave him a sad smile and gestured to the door, he wanted to go his feet refused though to move though. Kendall and Carlos put their arms under his own and lifted him up, dragging him into the house.

"He's sleeping genius, mom gave him a sedative."

"Nice to see you're as brave as ever." Carlos added and Logan gave them a faint embarrassed giggle. As the men got in the house Mrs. Knight turned to Katie glaring daggers, Katie was trying to sneak away as quietly as possible.

"One moment young lady, you tell me first why did you steal the car keys and got Kendall trapped in a phone conversation with Mercedes Griffin of all people."

"She called to give her condolences, I thought of giving Logan a ride."

"Did you make the boy cry you little monster?" She didn't have to ask but she still searched for proof in vain that her daughter wasn't Satan. Katie's malicious smile shot all hope down.

"Get his luggage out of the car; we'll talk about it later."

Katie did as she was told, begrudgingly of course.

The house Kendall had bought for his mother upon their return home was bigger than it had to be for a single woman whose kids had left the nest, but now with all of them under the same roof after so long it seemed to be at the perfect size because if you asked Jennifer Knight how many kids she had she would have answered five without a second thought, four boys one girl, so the house had four bedrooms two for the boys to share one for Katie and one for herself. The walls were adorned with pictures from the days back when they were chasing the big dream; she even had fresh palm tree leaves delivered at her every month so she could place over the mantle. Every time he visited Logan was swept by nostalgia, loosing himself in the memories, staring at the countless pictures on the walls, but this time it was worse, it felt like he had fallen through a dark hole and got blasted back to the past but in a way it wasn't the same. The atmosphere was heavy, they were all older and James wasn't sleeping late because of something silly like his beauty sleep, and that made Logan eat in silence in the kitchen as the others sat around him carefully making conversation, trying to avoid the heart breaking subject as long as possible.

"So Carlos, how's Lena's album coming along?"

"Great Mrs. K, we're going to go for an early summer release. You won't believe how excited she is about it. That girl has so much energy makes me feel like an old man."

"You better nail it Carlitos or Gustavo will make you rue the day you accepted the job of producer for his New York branch."

"Thanks Kendall, like I wasn't stressed enough about it."

"Anytime dude." They all laughed except for Logan, he was too guilty to let himself enjoy their company, Katie saw it and she had enough of his defeated expression for a day. She grabbed Kendall's leather jacket and went to make her exit.

"I am going to go over at Maurine's. If something happens or James wakes up call me. Oh, and Logan, sort reminder, I know where you live." She was out the door before her mother could argue and seconds later they heard the car tires screech from the abuse.

"What exactly where we thinking when we gave her that car again?" Carlos asked.

"I thought we all agreed that the car should stay at Roques' and Kelly could take care of it.'" Logan commented.

"She just took it when she went to visit once, same way she just took my jack…MY WALLET'S IN THERE!"

"Kiss your hard earned money goodbye Coach Knight." And this time Logan made the joke, and it was Kendall's turn to sulk. Mrs. Knight didn't stay for long, she respected their privacy and their need to talk freely, a few more polite questions, and after making sure they had everything they needed she went upstairs to catch some much needed rest of her own. The worry wrinkles that had sprung on her face and her blood shot eyes didn't escape Logan, he wondered if he would have them himself one day, like battle scars all parents shared.

A little time later they headed for the backyard when they sat in circle around the porch Kendall passed beer bottles at them, Logan stared at his like he was holding a hand grenade.

"I haven't had one of these for about three years…" He mused at the last time he had allowed himself any alcohol and at what that led to. The other two made a face but didn't comment on it.

"What kind of sleep pills did your mom give James again?" He asked checking on his watch, an hour had slipped by since he arrived.

"Don't remember, but he hasn't slept for at least forty eight hours, and even though he was at verge of collapse he wouldn't go to bed, he just sat on the couch in silence looking at the ceiling. I can't believe that Mr. Diamond let him drive to the house." Kendall sipped his beer and spoke in a tone that made it clear he was just as tired as James, but it was his duty to inform the others of the events that had transpired before going to bed himself.

"That's his dad's car? I thought it was his for some reason." And then Logan rolled his eyes for his stupidity, can't exactly drive from L.A to Minnesota.

"You could go and wake him up if you want." The most disturbing thing about it was that Carlos wasn't joking, he wasn't smiling either he even sounded sarcastic about it.

"Carlos!" Kendall snapped at him but Carlos shrugged it off.

"Are you angry I am here too Carlos?" Logan turned to face him but Carlos met his questioning gaze with a sad smile.

"No, just a little frustrated that something like this had to happen to make you move your ass and face James. Six years Logan? Seriously…"

"Get off his case dude! I'm sure my sister read him the riot act when she got him here."

"I am not going to bust his balls Ken, and I am just as frustrated with the sleeping beauty upstairs, they should have talked things through ages ago."

"Bust my balls? With how many teenagers are you hanging out these days dude?" Carlos put an arm around Logan's shoulder's and pulled him for a hug, Kendall gave a sigh and drank half of his beer in one gulp.

"Did he say anything about me?" Logan fixed his eyes over the fence throwing his lovelorn gaze over the distance. Kendall just shook his head.

"He didn't even talk about his mom much; I think he's still in shock from what happened. They were supposed to go out for dinner. She was running late and wasn't answering her phone, so James got mad thinking that she planned on bailing on him over work again so he went to her apartment prepared for a fight…he found her on the bathroom floor…Katie tried to get him to go to a hospital and have a doctor check on him once he got here but he said he has a handle on things now. Mom was very close to slap some sense on him but she opted to slip a few sleeping pills on his water instead. "

"Can't believe Brooke died like this, that woman was tough as nails. I always thought she'd live forever just so she could run her company. Makes you really thing thinks, how fragile we all are…" Carlos said every cliché he could think of, it fitted like a glove too.

"I've cried over children that didn't make it past the operating table. Makes me be thankful for every breath my son takes." Logan didn't care how dark the conversation had become or how quickly it had happened, they were there to mourn the dead, not play catch up and crack jokes at each other.

"I'm just glad she and James bonded after we separated. She moved her offices to L.A and everything just to be with him." Kendall said with a half smile, Logan gave a low grunt.

"Yeah, you see I am not glad about it! It just makes me feel angry. What kind of world do we live in when somebody finally catches a break on something and some higher power decides to screw him over!" Logan verbalized all of his boxed up feelings in that sentence, about his life, his job, his marriage, James. But he stopped when he felt Carlos's piercing gaze fall upon him.

"Don't blame God for people's choices Logan. Brooke choose to let her time with James slip by, you chose to leave and go to med school, you chose to get drunk, sleep with a girl you had barely started dating, keep the baby and get married, and you chose to come here. God gave you a free will, sometimes you make the right choices sometimes you don't. Life won't wait for you to realize your mistakes or let you keep your happiness forever, it doesn't work that way. You just have to see what you can fix and what you can't and try for the best along the way." Instead of giving Carlos an opinion Logan turned to face Kendall and their grins met.

"And this from a guy who used to ran into walls with a helmet on trying to give himself a concussion so he could avoid a math test!" They both laughed as loudly as their lungs allowed, making Carlos pout.

"What! I grew up!"

"Yeah how the Hell did that happen!" Kendall kept on teasing forcing Carlos threat him with his beer bottle. More time passed, the sun was setting now, the wind was getting chilly and Logan saw clouds gathering in the distance, it was plain to see that James wasn't going to wake up anytime soon and he couldn't bear the wait any longer and so he got up from his chair stretching and rubbing his cold body.

"I am going to take my leave guys, tell Momma K. I'm sorry I couldn't stay any longer." Kendall got up too and grabbed him gently from the shoulder.

"We'll see you tomorrow at the service. Get some rest."

"You too. If he wakes up tell him I'm here. If you see that it makes things harder for him, give me a call. Before I show up at the funeral tomorrow and screw him all over again."

"He wants you here Logan. I know it, we just have to pull together again like a team, like the old days. Watch each other's backs and we'll get through this." Carlos shot his head from behind Kendall and gave Logan the silliest of smiles.

"Bet you ten bucks Coach Knight over here gives the same stupid sappy speeches out to his hokey team that he used on us." Kendall turned at Carlos eyes burning.

"They still work just as well as they used to that's why we're winning state championship this year!"

"It's high school state championship professor, you're not coaching the Wild!" Logan stared at them fondly going at it, he missed this almost as much as he missed James, and Carlos pulled Kendall away and gave Logan a tight hug.

"Tell your family I send them my love, just in case I don't get the chance to talk to them at the service."

"Then you'll have to run and hide from Papi, he still owns a gun you know. And when you talk to my adorable little nephew to say goodnight, tell him that Uncle Carlos is bringing him his very own swirly slide this Christmas."

"Please don't! I can do without the scraps and broken furniture! And she will kill you!"

"Your wife adores us and you know it!" Carlos beamed but Logan looked down ravaged by guilt.

"Yeah she does… She wants me to patch things up with James too, she thinks it'll make me happy and I owe it to myself….God I am such a monster!" He was ready to fall apart when Kendall pushed a panicked Carlos away and grabbed his head making Logan face him.

"Hey! Logan look at me! Don't you ever say that again! You're trying to do the right thing for everyone here just like Carlos said! You love your family and you've been a wonderful father to that boy and a supporting husband to your wife! And what you had with James wasn't a mistake and you know it! And it's okay if you still have feelings for him! You're human Logan, you shared a lifetime with him it's natural."

"What if I act on them …what if I see James tomorrow all broken up and I can't keep myself away…What happens then Kendall!" He thought he was about to cry but Kendall beat him to it.

"Then that will tell you something too won't it? If you made the right choice or not back then, if you're with the person you're supposed to be…"

"But I gave her my word, I swore…" He felt Carlos's hand on his back rubbing comforting circles around it.

"And before that you gave James your heart. You just have to decide if you want it back or not because Logan you've been empty for a long time now, we can see that bro." He looked at them thinking how easy it had to be for them to say these things to him. They didn't have his life; they didn't see his son's pained face when he left that morning or how tired she collapsed besides him on bed each night. They all thought he had trapped himself in this marriage, but that wasn't the truth, yes it was too soon and yes his heart wasn't completely in it when he made his vows, that didn't mean he didn't love them deeply or that he wanted to hurt them like he had hurt James before. He wanted to do the right thing for someone just once, and if it led him to live an unsatisfied life that seemed like poetic justice to him. He didn't say anything about it though; he pulled away from them after wiping Kendall's tears. He said his goodnights again with a cold monotone voice, and because they were Carlos Garcia and Kendall Knight, they let him go without a word.

James saw Logan walking down the street from his bedroom window; he hid behind the curtains and looked down smiling, for a moment he thought he was dreaming again because most of his dreams featured Logan in them for the last six years. But Logan looked happy in almost all of them and he didn't look like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders like he did now. James gave a sigh out, regretting some of his own decisions from letting Logan go without going after him, without ever really fighting for him, to not coming out of the bedroom when he woke up an hour ago. He silently faced the new choices before him but he knew he had to wait, put his mother to rest first and then he would make them. Logan had risked everything by coming here; he wasn't selfish enough to hope for a second chance. After the funeral James would have to choose on if and how to say goodbye to Logan Mitchell and he had to stick by that choice for the rest of his life prepared to live with the consequences whatever those may be.

* * *

Logan got into his parents' empty house with his own key while he talked to the phone giving a small update to his wife, he didn't have to fake a tired tone, and she didn't pressure for details, even though Logan could tell she was worried about him, she was worried about all of them actually. He heard his son from behind her begging to talk to him, she passed him the phone Logan's breathing stopped, cold sweat begun to run down his spine.

"Hi daddy! Where are you?"

"Grandma's house pipsqueak."

"Are they there? Can I talk to them? Are you bringing me toys? Are you coming back tomorrow?""

"No sport. They're not here, and I don't think I'll bring you anything daddy's busy again." He smiled and he felt a pang of pain jolting his entire body at the same time, but still they had spoiled him horribly and he was just three, it was about time he pulled back.

"No toys? You're bad daddy! I don't love you no more!" And with that the child dropped the phone on the floor at the same time his father did, one out of childish youth, one out of his shattering heart. He stood there shaking looking at it like it was a snake that had shot venom in his veins; he heard his wife's voice calling out to him frantically

"Logan, honey are you still there? Hello! Logan can you hear me?" He picked it up with both hands because the trembling couldn't stop, he tried to fake a giggle for his son's antics but his throat was dry, in the end he managed to answer her with a tone that sounded dead.

"I'm still here."

"I thought the line was cut off. When you get back we should talk about other methods of disciplining him. Time out simply doesn't work on our little cannonball." And then she laughed but Logan didn't, he was the one in need of severe punishment and his son had delivered it in the most simple, swift, and merciless way possible.

"Sorry dear, I have to go, need to get some sleep. Funeral's tomorrow at noon so we'll have to talk when you get back from work ok?" He couldn't wait to hang up, collapse and cry himself to sleep.

"Of course honey. If you need me call me at the office and if my boss bitches about it I'll handle it don't worry. And try to talk to James, please Logan. It's important…Give him my condolences too." If Logan wasn't a nervous wreck he would have noticed the way half the sentence was full of care and half of it full of something else, but in his tired state he didn't.

"I'll see what I can do. Have a good night I love you both."

"Love you too. Bye…Logan wait!" She screamed and Logan's thumb froze right above the red off button.

"Love you daddy, don't let the bed bugs bite! Nighty night!" He had grabbed the phone at the last moment, forgetting that he was angry with him because he simply he wished to hear his father's voice one last time.

"Love you too…With all my heart." And then Logan hung up and kissed the phone wishing it was the top of his son's head.

He then called his parents to tell them he was home, they themselves were brimming with concern about how he was holding and if he had seen James yet, more people he cared for that weren't privy on his secret Logan thought if they would feel the same if they knew, then they promised him that they'd call James first thing in the morning or after the funeral was over to give him their sympathy, their guilt for not being there was an inverted mirror image of Logan's own. He hung up after lying that Mrs. Knight had packed him dinner and he had filled his stomach already prepared to go to bed, he then headed for a shower, as he took his clothes off the condom Katie threw at him back at the car fell on the tilled floor untangled from them. He smirked that he hadn't noticed how long it was there, stuck somewhere above his belt and then he put it in his wallet like some sick memento of the trip. He took his shower long and hot, and when he trailed to the guest room he noticed how disturbingly quiet the house was, he felt like he was his son's age again and hurried his pace.

When he fell on the bed he was surprised to find out he couldn't sleep even though his eyelids were heavy and his body felt like led, his thoughts were filled with memories of James. The first time he noticed how beautiful he was both as a man and as a person, back in that live performance so long ago, where Logan had that ravaging cold and James's voice was the only thing that kept him going. Their first awkward kiss on the wedding reception for one of their back up musicians' a month later, the silence that followed when they pulled apart too scared to take the first step. Kendall setting them up on their actual first date how anxious and scared they both were, that silly little stuffed crocodile Logan won for him on their second date, and how James placed it lovingly in proud display at the top of his bed. Gustavo threatening to fire them both but really warning them to be careful out of fatherly concern when they told him because they both felt he had a right to know. Mama Knight beaming at them with motherly pride while Katie threatened to out them if they didn't sign her contract for a cut of profit after they would become gay celebrities. Carlos teasing them mercilessly when Logan glowed at the breakfast table the morning after their first time. He shivered and cursed that he would have held on to his orgasm longer if he knew that the angry sex they had two days before he left would be the last time James would touch him that way. The way James looked at him with eyes full of hate glaring at him in silence as he packed, the way he stood aside making room for him to pass beside him at the exit door, his body shaking. How he fell on Kendall's arms crying and bawling like somebody had plunged a sword into his heart when Logan's taxi started pulling away, Carlos cursing like a madman on Logan's turned back calling him a coward and a traitor, Logan's tears still felt the same after six years hot and burning, like they did when he caught that image on the rear view mirror.

With that final memory Logan fell asleep, only to wake up at what seemed to be moments later even though the clock at his bedside said he had a solid seven hours of rest. The loud tapping at the front door woke him up. He got up in fear and panic throwing the bed sheets over to guard himself from the winter morning Minnesota cold, he came down stairs trying to make the figure behind the door's glass, his half sleep mind though stood as an obstacle.

"Who is it…?" He asked and the tapping became louder. He unlocked fervently and opened the door woken mad by the person's rudeness he was sure it was Katie coming to make sure he hadn't ran away. He was wrong very, very wrong.

"Hello sexy…" Logan was dead certain he was still dreaming.


	3. Chapter 3

**You say I am Frozen**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. (Not even the word Jangsty that's the property of ZheDoctursMinion115 I am just spreading it around)**

**Pairing: James/Logan**

**Rating: M**

**Warnings: Smut, language, jangsty, drama**

**A/N: I HATE THIS CHAPTER WITH A VENGEANCE! I'm on the verge of deleting the whole story actually. What was I thinking? I can't handle so many characters and its one confusing scene after the next! I'm just posting this cause it took so much time from my life! This chapter is a repetition of the Jerk final and the new character that appears here was murder to write, even though the whole premise came to me so I could write this chapter and the Katie/Logan interaction in chapter one! Argh! Thank God this is a small story. If I actually get the next chapter out I will finish it, but right now I just don't know! And this isn't me being insecure it's me wanting to murder Logan for being a hissy little brat! Yeah that's right! I'm blaming Logan too!**

"So can I come in or should I call an ambulance for you Dr. Mitchell?"

"Cam…Cam…Camille! What are you doing here?!" She gave him a smirk and asked once more using her eyes but she didn't actually wait for him to answer, she walked right into his parents' house the same way Logan often saw her do through his television set when she attended some red carpet event. Her black tall heals gave out a piercing clacking noise with each step on the wooden floor forcing Logan awake from his half sleep, she turned her head around taking in her environment Logan opened his mouth to ask again but she cut him midsentence.

"Cheap skate. Kendall bought a house for his mom, this place is too old." She turned to him still smiling, it was sarcastic and warm at the same time. Logan desperate tried to remember where he had seen it before, definitely not on her lips.

"I offered, they didn't want me to. Are you going to tell me what you're doing here or what?" He had suspicions though it was her delivery that threw him off making him want to hear her say it.

"Where's the kitchen?" She put one arm on the side of her waist biting her lower lip.

"Why?" And shouldn't she have slapped him by now he asked himself.

"You're making us breakfast Daddy-o, we're not going to the funeral on an empty stomach." He curled his lips into a defeated smile, she came to play games with him again and even though it had been years and they weren't kids anymore he just couldn't say no. He showed her the way, pulled her a seat like the proper gentleman he always was with her, put the coffee machine on and left her to go wash up.

"Don't jump out the window; I have Katie on speed dial."

"Wouldn't dare…" He shook his head and left her alone, he didn't hear her sad sigh.

Later when he came down he wore a white formal shirt the top buttons left open and his black pants, half ready for what would follow, she had poured them coffee black, no sugar, but otherwise didn't dare to do anything else in a stranger's house. Logan rummaged through the fridge and through the cabinets; it took him some hour to get the ingredients he needed. He was frying some eggs back turned when she spoke to him again.

"This better be good."

"It'll be good, I had plenty of practice."

"I'll be the judge of that." He searched for resentment in her voice but found none, it bugged him to no end, if any of the people in his past life had a right to hate him those would be James and Camille. Her plate was stacked with food, his had barely any, he sat at her opposite and they both kept smiling at each other, waiting for the curtain call.

"This is delicious but my trainer will have my hide later." She said gulping away her bacon and eggs.

"The cruel sacrifices one must make to the altar of stardom." She giggled at his joke with a mouth full risking a choke.

"You do this for them too?" She casually asked.

"No, I usually take the cleaning duties, which are a lot worse cause my son makes a mess." His face hardened the interrogation had begun.

"Of course you do…" Her voice deepened Logan saw her fighting not to change her happy expression to a sour one.

"Do you cook?"

"No, I know how but I'm too busy, that's one of the reasons I'm very picky with my assistants. They have to be multi versatile just like me." She smirked and Logan pitied the poor soul that was on Camille's beg and call.

"But when our schedules allow it I cook for James." There it was again that playful familiar smile but now Logan recognized it, James's smile.

"You two are close now aren't you?" He even sounded jealous and he didn't bother hiding it.

"Yup! Very! You know birds of a feather and everything." She put her fork down, now she sounded kind of pissed.

"Because I hurt you both?" He swallowed trying to clear his throat that had become raspy and dry in a matter of seconds.

"Compared to Jimmy I have no right to talk." He shot his eyebrows at her, she drew first blood.

"Jimmy…"

"Don't give me that look Logan; I can call my best friend any way I like."

"And how did that happen exactly if you don't mind me asking?"

"You want the long or the sort version?"

"The sort one please."

"You all split, we were the only ones of the old gang left, we started hanging out, the end." She took a napkin and wiped her mouth.

"And the long one?" He asked again prepared to see her flip sides.

"Remember when we broke up, I mean the last time?" He nodded and he felt his heart racing.

"Do you remember why?" No smiles, no playful eyes, Camille stared at him clenching a fist.

"You asked me to take the next step with you I told you we weren't ready…."

"Did you know you were gay or bi or whatever you are back then Logan?"

"No…."

"See, you screwed me over unintentionally, you didn't want to hurt me, you were just confused. I can even understand why you barely spoke to me after, because you felt guilty because you and Jimmy were together by then. What I don't understand is how in blazes you had freaking James Diamond all yours and you threw him away like a rug doll!"

"You're mad with me because I broke up with James! Alright, that's just priceless!"

"Don't flatter yourself, you're top of the list but back then I was mad at all of you! Even Carlos left at some point missing his family. Jen, Kelly and Gustavo called me in turns and asked me to watch over him, be his friend…"

"Jenifer? Which one?"

"I don't call her Momma K. like you dorks do dumbass!" She rolled her eyes at him and he mumbled an apology for interrupting.

"Anyway, I was actually worried myself cause the James that hovered like a ghost in the Palm Woods was not the boy that you had to look away cause of the dazzling smile and exploding personality so I did what I was asked. He avoided me like the plague at first, made me stubborn and curious. I couldn't figure why you broke the band, you were doing so well anyway. I thought it was just your stupid obsession to become a doctor. I even tried calling you once…"

"What? When?"

"About a year after you left." He turned to stone, she smiled mercilessly.

"Do I need to say it, who picked the phone up?"

"She never mentioned anything…."

"I slammed the phone at her face what did you expect! I knew something was going on between you and some nameless floozy, you never let anyone pick your phone cause of those stupid apps you have in there."

"Had…" She rolled her eyes; really his nerd factor was unimportant in this conversation.

"ANYWAY then I called Kendalll telling him that I needed some info to crack Jimmy open, no dice, then Carlos, he panicked and told me he was in the hospital sick. That's how I knew that whatever it was that you all kept hiding from me had to be pretty serious. Katie told me to stop digging for my sake. Then the people who asked me to watch over James called me in turns and told me to forget about it. That was the last straw, I got so mad I stomped up to his apartment and started screaming at him. He broke down and started to cry. That's when he told me…"

"About me and him."

"Yeah…" Her voice was low, sad, she took her purse out and unzipped it, she put one hand in, searching for something but froze up when she found it, she looked at Logan cheeks flustered and all guilty.

"Can we go outside to continue?" He gave her an inquisitive look and his eyelids squinted.

"No, it's freezing cold, why?"

"You don't happen to know where your parents keep their ashtrays do you." She took out her cigarette pack, silver lighter with it; Logan shot up from his chair and started to flail in anger.

"YOU SMOKE! HOW THE HELL DO YOU SMOKE! Do you even know how many types of cancer you can get Camille! What that filth can do to your lungs, never mind your heart…"

"Excuse me Doctor, some of us don't have a significant other to cuddle with when we get home beat and tired. I had to try it for a role and it has a calming effect on me, besides I barely have two or three a day."

"C-A-N-C-E-R!"

She started laughing uncontrollably, he looked at her confused and then when his mind caught up to how childlike he had said it, he understood which person he reminded her of.

"Wait…" She started searching her purse again, this time she took her wallet out; she pulled a post it from it and handed it over.

"MEMO TO CAM: DON'T BUY DEATH STICKS!

Your Jimmy."

He stood there looking at his beautiful handwriting and cursed himself for tearing the songs James had written for him, they were evidence and he couldn't afford to keep them. He returned the note in silence seating down again and Camille saw the sadness overwhelm him.

"You miss him don't you?" He didn't answer; it would just make her angry again.

"Forget about smoking, I don't want to have to explain to my mother why her kitchen stinks from nicotine." Logan looked at her determined; he wished he had that same determination when scolding his son. Camille tucked the cigarettes away and took a long breath before continuing her story.

"Anyway where was I? Yeah, James told me about you, he was crying and shouting and he apologized to me all at the same time. My mind couldn't make sense of half of what he was saying. I slapped him of course, first time to make him stop the second one out of pure anger. I turned to leave, screaming that I was going to hunt you down and make you pay for the humiliation you gave me, determined to out you to the world, tell everyone the real reason why Big Time Rush broke up. I was waiting for the elevator when I heard him begging me to stop. He was begging me to stop for your sake. I turned back, I told him about the phone call and the girl who picked it up. He shook his head and eyes full of tears…Logan do you want me to stop?" She asked him full of concern and pity, his face was calm, unchanged but his eyes had tears streaming, his heart realized the truth, James never stopped loving him, not then, not now probably not ever. The least he could do was listen to how he suffered and suffer with him in silence.

"Go on."

"He told me it didn't matter who you slept with or how far you had ran to escape him, you were his and he was yours, nothing could change that. I finally had enough; we fell on the hallway and cried in each other's arms. It wasn't the last time either and you haven't been the only reason. He's held my hand through break ups, he helps me with my lines, I have a backstage pass for all of his concerts I get to watch him light up on stage, I even dropped a high profile movie role so I could go to his first tour because he was a ball of nerves for having to do this alone. I set him up a few times with some co-workers, I was so happy for him when he finally tried seriously with a guy. Then you had to remind us that James was your property. You got that girl pregnant. He fell apart all over again; it was so infuriating that it almost broke our friendship. Kendall and Carlos came for back up, I forgave them then. James was actually happy that you and Carlos where on speaking terms once more. When you got married we went to Boca flirted with every cabana boy in a ten mile radius. I got him talking to Brooke again, convinced her to really try…" It was her turn now, her turn to fall apart. She started sobbing Logan got up from his chair and ran to her side; he hugged her and pushed her gently on his chest.

"It's my fault…it's all my fault…he wouldn't be such a wreck right now…if they never made up…" She clenched her fingers into fists and started to pound on him uncontrollably he didn't move an inch, didn't complain for the pain or worry about potential bruises. He didn't feel any guilt later, after she had calmed down and he went upstairs to get his tie, shoes and cell phone, even when he saw he had missed a phone call from his wife.

* * *

They left the house, hours still away from the service, they both felt boxed in and Camille asked him for a tour around his hometown, so they walked down his neighborhood wrapped in their long black coats, her arm around his, bodies close, happy smiles on their faces, they looked like a young couple out for a morning stroll while they were two people brought together in pain and heartache.

"I used to dream about this back when we were together…See the place you grew up in…"

"You sound like you're ancient."

"Living life in the fast lane drains your energy remember? What's your excuse?"

"I'd like to say it's from my line of work. I'd even prefer it if I said it's from the self-afflicted suffering. But honestly, it's my son's fault. All of it."

"He rules your life doesn't he?" She turned to look at his beaming face; she never had seen him smile so fondly, eyes sparkling, so proud with himself.

"And the little runt knows it too! He makes a mess of everything and pretends his sorry, waits for us to clean after him and then does it all over again! He doesn't touch his own food not unless we eat half of it, like its poisoned and we have to show him it's safe. Once we change the sheets on the bed he starts bouncing with his shoes on, he steals stuff from my medical bag all the time just to make me rush back from the hospital and then he cries in my arms not letting me go. Clearly he's trying to kill me and he'll get away with it too…" He gave a sigh out, not because being a parent was exhausting or hard but because he missed him. He just missed his little squirt and he felt the same way every time he was ten feet away from him.

"So no regrets about that front huh?" He looked at her offended.

"What? Regret that I had him? No Camille, never. Not a second thought about it. Not since I first saw him as a fetus on a screen. He's my everything, and any parent who'd tell you otherwise isn't worthy of being called human."

"What about the marriage then?" He let his hand drop cold and shook in anger, he turned away and went back almost running to the direction of the house.

"HEY! WHAT THE HELL MITCHELL!"

"Leave me alone! I had enough of you!" Her eyes shot out and she started to pace after him as fast as her shoes would allow.

"What's that supposed to mean!"

"Go away! This was a mistake!" She took off her shoes and started to run after him trying to ignore the pain and the cold that the sidewalk gave her, when she saw that he had no intention of stopping she threw one hitting him in the head, he froze for one second grunting in pain and then he turned back at her furiously but before he could curse she slapped him with all her strength.

"WHAT THE FUCK ROBERTS!" She smiled at him defiantly, feeling accomplished and nostalgic at the same time.

"You don't get to throw hissy feats at me Logan! I am not James and I'm not your wife!"

"Screw you!" He turned to leave again but she grabbed him from the arm.

"Oh, would you look at that! You grew a backbone! Good for you! Now shut your trap, calm down and talk to me like a grown man or I let you go and run over at Jimmy's because he actually needs my support!"

"This is exactly what I'm saying! I had enough of all of you people pitying me and blaming her for our marriage! I'm not trapped! She's not holding me by the throat! I love her and my son and you all can take your condescending attitude and shove it up your ass!"

"Love her as much as you still love James?" She mumbled under patted breath.

"YES…NO…I…don't…kn…" And then he let a choked howl out and started to cry driven mad, crushed by his guilt, crushed by James's ghost and this hard reality. She pulled back and stared at him trying not to show any sympathy because she was still pissed with him and his selfishness, but as he fell on his knees she went to grab him, his weight threw them both down on their knees, on the pavement; he buried his face in his hands as she gently stroked his hair.

"I…still…love…him…I swear I…do…I'm sorry Camille…I'm so sorry…" She barely heard him; she let a sad sigh out and helped him up.

"Why don't you pull yourself together and we go someplace quiet before somebody snaps a picture and this gets on tumblr, because then you'll have to deal with a divorce and I'll have to deal with another shipping war? It's still early morning but it's not that early." She turned and pointed at a bus stop buzzing with people looking up their way confused expressions on their faces. He wiped his tears but they didn't stop falling.

"Ok…" he mumbled making Camille roll her eyes, she opened her purse again trying to find a tissue for his running nose.

"Crybaby…" He shot her a smile of embarrassment and after blowing hard on the piece of paper she gave him, he helped her put her shoes back on.

"Would you like to see the play ground that me and the guys used to go to?"

"I'd actually love to hit the swings right now." She put her arm around his again; she noticed he was still shaking.

"Grow up…" He giggled at her and led the way to the park but before she could attack him again he remembered he had a question.

"Camille what's a tumblr?" And then she cackled like a witch.

"Google it if you dare Jagan." He looked at her confused and wiped his tears away again, this time for good.

The playground was empty of people but it was full of living memories for Logan. Carlos tangled in the jungle gym, Kendall leading the rest of the children to find adventure, slay dragons and claim treasures, James singing and dancing and playing doctor with the girls, and himself under a tree reading a book to pass the time. Camille saw him reminisce and said nothing; she just sat on a swing and started to rock gently. He didn't seat beside her but a few meters away, on the wet grass, his favorite tree had been cut and replaced with a bench, so he sat beside it refusing to settle.

"I don't regret my marriage Camille. I know you all want me to but I don't, and I wasn't tricked or dragged into it. I wanted to do the right thing and I think I love her enough to do it with her." He told her after he was done watching his ghosts play around.

"But…" She sensed there was more, so she risked another fight and asked.

"But I can't help and not look back and think how things would be if I hadn't left, if I had given James the same chance. Or if I had never even kissed him, if we never made it to that audition in the first place. Maybe we could have kept our childhood just a little bit longer. I watch my son and he's happy with the simplest of things, a cartoon or a story, or just the sound of paper being ripped. When do the simple things stop giving us joy? When do we stop and demand more out of life?"

"Christ Logan. I think I loosened a screw when I hit you!" She started giggling but he didn't find it funny, he was serious about it. He wished to go back, in a time before responsibilities where he could watch his friends from afar and bask in their happiness. She got off the swing and walked to the bench beside him, she put an arm on his shoulder nudging him to face her.

"You can't redo your whole life Doctor Mitchell."

"I know, I don't really want to, just the sad parts." He shrugged his shoulders in defeat.

"And how would you tell them apart from the happy ones then?" He let a sigh out because she was right and he was just being selfish and childish once more.

"Pain doesn't last forever you know. Time heals wounds and everything, trust me I know it's true, and there's always the future."

"I don't know what I want for the future…"

"Yes you do. You want the same thing everyone wants, your loved ones to be happy and yourself to be happy with them. The problem with you is that you can't pick which person you want to share it with the most." She sounded melancholic knowing she could never compete for the top spot herself.

"But what about the people that get left behind?" He thought of James again and felt guilty for what he had done because he had the potential to make him happy but chose to hurt him irreversibly instead.

"Depends on the person I guess. But if you're thinking about James let me tell you something Logan. It's not too late for you or him. It'll never be late as long as you both live."

"Yeah, but as Brooke just taught us we can't take that for granted can we?"

"Then don't. If even a moment's happiness with him bangs at your door don't run away from it." He looked at her puzzled, there was something in her eyes, like she knew something and he didn't, he had a random daydream then but he wasn't foolish enough to hope.

"James didn't tell you anything, did he?"

"He asked me to come see you. Say goodbye properly for my own good. I didn't really want to but when it comes to you, Jimmy knows best I guess. I feel I can let go now…" With that she stood up wishing to say no more, he understood and did the same.

"How about you don't? How about we can be selfish and childish and we try to be friends." He smiled but she just thought of slapping him again.

"And how exactly are you going to introduce me to your wife pray tell genius?" He started to stutter and she gave him a laugh.

"I'll think about it…" She mumbled after her laughter died out and he was the one to grab her arm this time.

* * *

They left the playground behind and walked to his school, Logan showed her everything. The very spot James made his prophesy, that he had the dream that he was famous, he pointed at the library telling her it was the place he decided to be a doctor someday, the hockey practice ring where Logan wished he had his ice skates with him. The time flew by again and they were ready to leave but then they heard a sound Logan hadn't heard in years. The piercing screech of a flailing fangirl.

"O-M-G! O-M-G! O-M-G! O-M-G! AAAAAAAA! CAMILE ROBERTS! AAA!"

Camille smiled warmly, Logan sweated bullets.

"Oh my God! Camille Roberts in my school!" The fourteen year old girl would have had a heart attack on the spot but then Camille walked right up to her, put an arm at her shoulder smiled radiantly and Logan could swear she started to shine.

"Calm down sweetie. You're going to snap your vocal cords."

"But you're Susanne Mart! You have a Golden Globe, and I loved _Promiscuous _it's my favorite movie of all time and….is that Logan Mitchell?" Logan gave her a small nervous hand wave, he remembered how nervous fans could make him, how asphyxiating he felt most of the time around them, not like James, he enjoyed every second and was grateful with the adoration. The girl took a breath to scream again but Camille quickly took action.

"Yes that's Logan he's an old friend…"

"You guys used to date!"

"Wow, you are a fan if you know that ancient story! Yes we did, but now we're friends; he's just showing me around his old school, did you know he used to go here?" Her friendly tone had a calming effect on the girl, she looked more serious now, kind of guilty too, she probably thought she interrupted a date or something.

"Yeah, the school radio station still plays BTR songs all the time and I'm a hard core James Diamond fan."

"Cool. What's your name sweaty pie?" Logan was standing in the back in silence he really didn't know how to handle this situation, apparently Camille was a pro at this.

"Babs! I mean Barbara…."

"Ok how about we both give you an autograph? Hand me a notebook." It took her nanoseconds to comply, Camille nudged Logan over and he mumbled a quiet hello taking the pen Camille handed over and he signed his name under her own.

"Okay Barbara I'm so sorry that I can't give you a photo, I'm here incognito supposedly. You probably want to run to class and brag to your friends about this but can I ask you for a favor?"

"Sure! Anything!" She didn't look at them; she stared dumbfounded at their signatures.

"Can you keep this under wraps at least until the end of the week? I know it's too much to ask but we're here for something personal... You'll understand by then…" Camille didn't hide her genuine sadness or her worry, Logan looked at the girl the same way she did, with pleading eyes.

"It's important right?"

"Yes it's a family matter." She looked at them both trying to decide if she was being tricked but she saw the circles under Logan's eyes and realized he had been crying, then there were the black clothes, and suddenly she knew, they weren't in town for a quite getaway. She tore the paper with the autographs from her note book, turned the page and wrote something down. She handed it over to a smiling Camille.

"That's my twitter account. You can check it out if you want. I'm sorry if I scared you and I'm sorry….Never mind. I'll wait for the official announcement." Camille grabbed and shook the teenager's hand in gratitude. She turned to leave but she stopped half way to turn back piercing Logan with her eyes.

"You guys need to make a comeback. Seriously!" And then she left slouching sadly towards the school gate. Logan needed some time to settle but Camille knew better.

"How about we call Katie to come and pick us up. We can't count that the next fan will be so awesome."

"You call her, I find somewhere safe for us to hide until she gets here."

"Good plan!" Logan checked the time on his wrist watch, just a couple of hours longer and he could see James again. He wondered if his heart would break at the sight of him or when he would have to say good bye once more.


	4. Chapter 4

**You say I am Frozen**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. (Not even the word Jangsty that's the property of ZheDoctursMinion115 I am just spreading it around)**

**Pairing: James/Logan**

**Rating: M **

**Warnings: Smut, language, jangsty, drama**

**A/N: First things first I deeply apologize for the screw up earlier; everyone who follows me probably received e-mails about updates for this story and the Jerk. I was trying to edit some things at the same time I was posting this and to make a long story short everything went to blazes! This was originally posted full of mistakes and inaccuracies (I am sure I got the important things wrong again and once again the grammar sucks…) and the numbering for the Jerk got all jumbled! I almost lost chapter two! I SERIOUSLY NEED A BETA AT SOME POINT! Now to the more serious stuff, this chapter is pretty heavy on religion, I have no idea why I have to give the character the same faith as the actor I just do, anyway I did some research that didn't pay off apparently because I got an anonymous review during the hours that this was posted on its original form giving me some pointers. I am not in any way meaning to offend anyone. Please believe that. If anyone wants me to edit something please let me know! I am still considering deleting this story anyways, even if we've almost reached the ending. Thank you for everything, I love you all.**

Katie arrived fifteen slow nerve wrecking minutes later, and to Logan's relief Kendall was in the backseat, Logan hurriedly opened the front door for Camille and went to sit next to him.

"Remind me to check the news when we get home." Katie said smirking.

"We weren't seen much Katie." Logan informed her rolling his eyes; this was going to be a long ride.

"Not the E Channel, the regular news to make sure you two meeting didn't kick start the Apocalypse." She laughed and so did Camille but the men gave out grunts of frustration.

"Not funny sis."

"Who asked you Kendork?"

"Well, I thought it was hilarious. How are you guys holding?" Camille asked the Knight siblings in concern, Katie shrugged her shoulders mumbling a fine but even her best poker face had cracks on it, Kendall gave her a how to do you think sort of look, obviously kind of pissed with her because she had chosen to face Logan this day of all days, she read his disapproval all over his face.

"Oh, please Kendall your brother is perfectly fine. I am not sixteen years old and crazy from the hormones anymore. Logan and I just had a long nice talk."

"A-ha sure. She slapped you didn't she?" Kendall asked Logan smiling sarcastically at her.

"Threw a shoe at me too, motherfucker still hurts." Logan bended over to show his old friend the bump it had left behind.

"Count yourself lucky, I would have gone for a brick." Katie smiled evilly and only Camille laughed again.

"Really Logan a day off from the marital household and you curse like a sailor. Shame on you!" Camille winked at Logan from the rearview mirror she received a hateful piercing gaze as a comeback.

Underneath the surface they were all nervous, sad and worried for James, so they made jokes trying to keep the mood light. It couldn't possibly last for long.

"So Camille am I dropping you at your hotel or are you coming with us back home?" Katie asked when she had to make a turn.

"Jimmy's if you don't mind. I am going with him to the service. I know we have more than an hour or so but I don't want show up at the last minute."

"Fine by me but we can't stay, I have to go pick mom up. Are you ok with that guys?"

"Actually I'd like to see him before the funeral starts." Logan mumbled, he felt Kendall squishing his shoulder as soon as the words escaped his mouth.

"Bad idea bro. His father's there and he has relatives over, you have to hold on until after the service. You'll get your chance." Logan wanted to argue but his cell phone stopped him. He felt three pair of eyes piercing him, they all had the same thought, don't pick up the phone, he ignored them coldly.

"Hey honey."

"Hi! How are you? I tried calling you before I left for work but you didn't pick up, I thought you were sleeping." Kendall was close enough to hear her, he dropped his head down, battling with the fact that he actually liked the woman and feeling that he was betraying James at the same time, Camille rolled down her window, she didn't ask for permission, she just lighted a cigarette and used it to calm her nerves, for Katie it was the hardest of them all, anyone who got between the happiness of her family, and that included all the people present in the car, deserved her everlasting scorn and wrath but out of respect for Logan and his son she once again did her best to hold her silence. Logan felt the tension rise and he fought desperately not to let it show in his voice.

"No I wasn't sleeping, I was making breakfast actually. An old friend came over…"

"Haven't decided on that yet Mitchell." Camille scoffed whispering, Logan glared daggers at her.

"James?" His wife asked worried tone.

"No baby, I haven't seen him yet. I am going over at Momma K.'s so we can all go to the funeral home together."

"Oh...okay then…How's everyone doing?"

"You can imagine... Katie's acting all brave and everything of course."

"As opposed to you who is just acting!" Katie bellowed and everyone threw her the same panicked look, Logan couldn't breathe and he lost all color, his heart fell on the pits of Tartaros'. His wife was silent for a moment and then she laughed kindly.

"Logan dear, seriously don't tease her like that, poor girl's only trying her best to help everyone out. Tell her she has my complete respect, we women have to stick together."

"Oh I'll tell her alright…" He bit his lower lip in anger and he knew the moment he would hung up it was going to be all out war.

"I'm sorry honey, I got to go. The phones over here are ringing like crazy, love you, miss you, be strong for us…we're waiting for you back home." She drilled the last part into his ear; he thought it was sweet and kind of her but before he could say anything she hung up. The moment he lowered the phone all three of them, Logan most viciously of all, verbally attacked Katie. She rolled her eyes, trying to shrug it off but they kept calling her immature and stupid and irresponsible, they forgot she was Katie Knight, and she held the driver's wheel in the palms of her hands. She changed lanes violently making them all scream and hit the pedal to the max just for a few seconds, as they fell backwards and fear took over she adjusted the car back to normal. Before Kendall could start screaming at her again, she screamed first.

"ALL OF YOU SHUT UP OK! I TRIED MY BEST BUT LOGAN PUSHED IT! I DON'T WANT HER FAKE PITY!"

"It's not fake! She cares about you!" Logan rushed to his wife defense, Katie snorted.

"How do you know? She has you wrapped around her little finger! I've watched her like a hawk Logan for almost five years! There's something off with her!"

"Katie stop it! We've talked about this…" Kendall trailed, voiced concerned. Camille looked at Logan scared, she tried to have this discussion with him earlier, she tried to fish for clues but she had never even met the woman and she was acting for her own interest, she knew the consequences by now.

"That's just you being paranoid Katie! We're not in the Palm Wood's anymore! I have a normal life now! She didn't trick me or…"

"Come on Logan! Have you ever seen her have any second thoughts like you do? Your life wasn't the only one thrown upside down because of one night! And the way she treats us, like she knows us for years, it's like she's trying to push herself into the family, I don't think she does it because she wants to make you feel relaxed, I think she does it because she knows she can never compete with us and she's insecure, I think she guilt's you with it…"

"Are you even listening to yourself Katie? You're accusing the mother of my child and you're describing her like she's a manipulative monster!"

"Fine I'm paranoid! After the funeral you can cut all contact with me..."

"KATIE!" Kendall tried to interject but she ignored him, there was a limit on how much more she could continue playing supportive baby sister and step over her own ideals and ethics, she didn't want to end up like Logan, constantly deceiving himself.

"…but I think you only see the best in people. Like James. That's why you both get yourselves hurt all the time." She was shaking and her eyes were misty, but she didn't allow herself to cry. All tears were reserved for James that day; she had to shelve her tears for Logan for another time. Camille though looked at her in envy; she wished she was just as brave and true to herself.

"I don't want to lose you Katie…"

"You can't have everything Logan, and I can't put myself on the line for you anymore, not when you clearly don't want me to." That was the last time she spoke to him or anyone else for the remaining drive to James's house. When they arrived she got out with Camille, she took the car keys off and threw them on Kendall's lap.

"Your show now big brother." Logan racked his brain to say something but Kendall shook his head stopping him, they watched Katie and Camille go to the front door and knocked on the wood surface solemnly, some man they didn't know welcomed them in, probably a relative of James's, they walked in the mourners house with their heads bowed down and closed the door behind them.

Kendall got out of the car and took over the driving duties, but Logan didn't dare to move, he stared at the house, searching desperately to catch a glimpse of James even for a second through any of the windows, he kept his gaze locked as long as he could only letting go when he lost the house in the distance. That's when he felt it was safe to ask Kendall the new question that festered in his heart.

"You don't think she's right do you?"

"No I don't." But really Kendall could only pray, for all of their sakes.

* * *

They got into the Knight residence to find Kendall's mother going up and down the kitchen making final preparations like a woman possessed, she wrapped tin foil around a large burning pot to take it with her to James's house to serve after the service. She was so lost in sadness and anxiety Kendall had to say something to make her notice them.

"Mom we're home…."

"Oh, there you are! I'll be done in a minute sweetie. I just need to store this…Logan did you eat anything, I saved you some breakfast, have you been crying again honey? Where's Katie?" Logan stepped up and grabbed her shaking hands, they weren't little boys anymore, it was time they took care of her.

"We'll get the food ready, have some water, go to the car and try to catch your breath. Katie's with Camille they're going with James, we'll meet them at the service. And stop worrying about me Jen, I'm fine…I'll make it through this, I swear." Kendall looked at him confused when he heard his mother's first name come out of his mouth; she though looked at him proudly and gave him a silent nod, grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and left everything in their hands.

"Help me wrap this up." Logan turned to Kendall pointing at the half packed pot, Kendall gave a sigh out, he imagined they were burying their last traces of childhood together along with James's mother, part of him though thought it was about time. Kendall made sure that the windows and the doors were all locked and they didn't forget the stove on, Logan grabbed Jennifer's purse and anything else essential she had left on the kitchen counter. As Kendall locked the house he called Carlos to tell them they were on their way, he could hear the Garcias arguing over lateness and other silly things.

"Shut up! I can't hear what Kendall's saying to me!" His mother made a comment about Carlos's language but it was barely audible.

"Ok, save me a parking spot, Gustavo and Kelly should be there by now they left early from the hotel worrying they'll get lost."

"Oh, please it's not that hard to find the place they could easily walk there, where does Gustavo think he is Malibu? Alright see you there Carlos, drive safe." He hanged up and went in the car, he expected to see Logan crying but his face held the same determination as when he comforted his mother earlier, he prayed it would last, he knew it wouldn't.

Logan expected to not recognize half the people gathered outside the funeral office to his surprise he did. There weren't many people from the business world, most of them were either James's family or friends from the old days, he got out of the car with Mrs. Knight and when he saw Kelly and Gustavo sitting on a bench across the street, he excused himself and left to greet them. Gustavo had a few wrinkles in his face, a little too many for his age and if you would ask him he would fondly blame his dogs for them, Kelly looked tired and she held a cup of coffee in her hands, she almost dropped it when she saw Logan walk their way.

"Hey…" He didn't know what to really say to them, Kelly had tried to change his mind various times before he left L.A ever the romantic. Gustavo went through every stage, anger indifference; he called the air port to make a bomb threat the day Logan left but he got the number wrong. Kelly though came to his wedding even if Logan didn't attend hers trying to avoid James, and the money Gustavo gave him after he quit was way above what he was entitled.

"Hey stray." Gustavo pulled him into a bear hug and he felt his ribs crush, he didn't complain about it though.

"I told you he would come." Kelly said smiling warmly at him. Logan thought of all the appropriate things that he was supposed say but the safety he felt amongst them and his feelings for James trampled everything though.

"Have you seen him yet? Is he here?" He threw his gaze threw the window of the office but he only saw people gathering around Brooke's closed pine casket besides the eulogy podium, he felt a sudden cold rush down his spine.

"He's not here yet. Camille called ten minutes ago they were just leaving the house. How are you holding dog?"

"I don't know honestly, but don't worry about me, we're here to pay our respects and show James our support…" Kelly grabbed him by his coat and shook her head.

"No that's our job, you're here for James."

"What's that supposed to mean…" He couldn't tell if she meant it as an insult or a fact.

"Do whatever feels right Logan, whatever that is, don't worry about the consequences. Just don't hide in a corner; he needs to see you as much as we do. And that's an order dog!" Gustavo tried to raise his voice but it came out choked.

"I'll see what I can do…We'll talk later alright?" He turned back to find Kendall and Carlos coming their way, Carlos was accompanied by a young girl that Logan only knew from TV as Roques Record's new rising star, the one Gustavo had entrusted him with, he met them half way and he mumbled a quick hello to them before returning to Mrs. Knight's side who was talking in hushed tone to a man he hadn't seen before, he introduced himself as Brooke's first accountant but Logan didn't bother with him, he just wanted to make sure no one of his family was left alone for even a second.

Time passed and even though most of the attendants were now inside, the Garcia family included Logan, Kendall, Carlos and Momma Knight remained vigilant outside waiting for the last member of the Diamond family. Logan turned his head to take a peek inside, he saw James's father, next two women. He recognized James's maternal grandmother and Brooke's older sister. Mr. Diamond locked his eyes in Logan's for a few seconds and gave him a nostalgic smile, probably thinking back at a time when he used to slip the boys money to buy a pop icicle or a smoothie. Logan thought of how devastated he looked, even though he and Brooke had divorced years ago, then again Logan knew best of all, you can't leave your greatest love behind you, not really. He had his back turned lost in thought and childhood memories again, when he felt Carlos's hand on his shoulder nudging him gently.

He turned again, there was a car coming up the street, the one James had apparently bought for his dad and had used to visit the Knights the day before, it drove slowly up and Katie parked it right behind the Btr mobile. She came out first and Camille seconds later from the backseat; she held the door open and gave a hand out to help James because he didn't even have the strength to do it by himself.

Logan died at the sight of him.

He was still his James, breathtakingly beautiful, towering tall, light chestnut short hair combed into perfection. His shoulders were bigger a little wider, his skin still glistened in the sun, even if it was the moot sun of Minnesota, and even in the black mourning clothes he looked like a rock star. Only his body was loose his arms, just hung lifeless in the air, like a marionette that had finished its performance and was discarded and thrown back into the trunk. The once bright hazel eyes were vacant and unfocused, he stared at the distance, on the ground, at the little hood ornament the car had, anywhere but the door across him, anywhere but the reality that his mother had died. He took a few steps with Camille's arm wrapped around his to help him, one two…but then he tumbled slipping on a crack on the pavement. He never hit the ground Carlos and Kendall sprinted to his side and grabbed him, Momma K. behind them. Logan just stood there, feeling cold and empty unable to move.

"Hey there buddy." Kendall helped him stand.

"We're here, we've got you big fellah." Carlos recognized the reek of whiskey on his breath. He shook his head in frustration. Mrs. Knight put her hands on his face lifting his head, she didn't need to ask, he hadn't eaten a thing in two days with the exception of the few bites she had forced on him when he visited them the day before.

"James, honey can you walk?"

"I'm fine…I can…" And then he stopped, he counted them in his hazy mind, the Knights were three, one Carlos, one Camille, some family members were still standing at the entrance and looked down on him judging him for being late, how dishonorable that was coming in with strangers instead of his own flesh and blood, but who was the person that was slowly walking to his side, was he dreaming in his nightmare? A trick his mind played on him to protest from all the pain and heartache? Then he smiled faintly remembering this was real, he had caught a glimpse of him the night before, he had talked to him over the phone and he had promised to come just so James could see his face. He felt his heart pound with life again; he hadn't felt that in years. Six years.

He let a sigh of relief out, he fought the urge not to smile, he snapped to life and pulled away from the comforting arms of his surrogate family that were always there for him no matter what. His eyes were still sad but no longer unfocussed, his body still heavy but he didn't care, he remembered his duty once more and the steps he had to take. First was the Kevura, then was the mourning and then he could try to give his Logan a proper farewell.

James started to walk again, on his own, without any support. Camille actually had to quicken her pace to catch up to him. He passed by Logan's side and took a long breath trying in vain to catch his scent. He said nothing and neither did Logan who turned and followed him head down, keeping a solid distance between them using James's shadow as a marker. Carlos and Kendall trailed after Logan and soon only the Knight women were left behind.

"Nope, this doesn't look weird at all…" Katie whispered sarcastically and took her place in her mother's side; she even got her to smile faintly.

James let go off Camille to go to his father's side and stand beside him even though they hadn't been a real family for years, his father knew it too, he also knew how James had suffered in the last hours, in his opinion he should be home or in the hospital. He was the one to find Brooke on the tiled floor so any transgression was forgivable at least in his eyes. Camille didn't know where to go or what to do after James pulled apart from her, people stared at her recognizing who she was, for a moment she regretted that she had ever smiled in front of a camera but then she felt Logan's hand on her own linking their fingers together. She was shaking, he was cold, they didn't look at each other, their eyes were fixed on James who was still broken as he walked to take his place solemn and silent, with the exception of when he passed by the Garcias, Gustavo and Kelly, they got quick hugs and some tears for their kindness. They were all standing for the service, Logan was anchored to Camille the entire time, he watched the rabbi tear a bit of the mourning ribbon that James had on his black silk coat, and then he gave him a prayer for his soul. James kept his mind focused on the psalms he recited with a crystal voice by far the most beautiful, the one that echoed throughout the room, it had nothing to do with him being a professional singer; it was because he wanted to lull his mother on her journey.

The eulogies followed, Brooke's sister went up first, she spoke of their childhood, and how Brooke took care of her when they were orphaned in an early age while it was supposed to be the other way around, her being the oldest. When James got behind the podium Logan heard someone from behind whispering a dry mock about how Mr. Hollywood had graced them with his presence, he and Carlos who apparently heard it too turned furiously to see who it was prepared to make a scene, but the person was only a fifteen year old brat who didn't know better so they settled for scornful looks instead. James voice made them turn their heads back.

"I rarely called her mom, most of the time I called her Brooke in defiance because she often tried to control my life…It didn't faze her much…she was strong and proud and arrogant. I think those were the best traits I got from her… She wasn't kind with everyone either, she wanted to be sure that people deserved to see under the surface and she never pitied anyone. She firmly believed that there were no obstacles that couldn't be overcome; the person just had to have conviction and the strength to stand on his own two feet. She intimidated everyone just because she could… I remember once…" James stopped the whole room thought he was going to fall apart right then and there, Logan's skin turned blue, his eyes were full of fear, his breathing patted, then James whose gaze was scattered and lost came to rest on him warmly. He smiled and continued.

"…I had this friend with a stupid name and he and some other friends, more like brothers really because God has blessed me with wonderful people in my life, came to pick me up for school one morning. My mom who was hardly ever there, answered the door and they introduced themselves, when she heard my friend's name she told him she hated it and gave him a new one in three seconds flat. I asked my mom the same night why she had to be so rude and condescending to him. She kept reading the business paper and didn't even look at me when she answered. A handsome, bright young man like him deserved a fitting name. That sums up my mom, she wanted to make the world a beautiful place for others that was her dream, the purpose she was here for. I think she did good too because that boy kept the name she gave him and he grew up to be a wonderful man, he saves lives, he's a father...I'd like to think my mom in her own silly little way gave him a small stepping stone on his journey. I am going to miss my mother… I loved her very dearly because she was beautiful too, even if she only let people see her outside beauty, her inner flaws made her a more precious person. I know she'll be with God now; her faith was her most prized possession. It pulled her through her hardships, it shielded and it guided her. I hope we all are just as blessed. I do not question Him for taking my mother from me; I thank Him for giving her to me in the first place." Then he gave a prayer for her soul and stood down while Logan thanked Brooke for his name and for the wonderful son she gave to the world, asking her for guidance and wishing his own son would grow up to be half the man James is.

The eulogies proceeded but they were sorter in length and some felt empty and hollow, then came the time to move the body to its final resting place, Logan walked in the procession in the furthest back, he knew that his place was by James's side just like Kendall, Carlos and the rest that had surrounded him, but he didn't have the strength anymore. The whales of the mourners, the rabbis' psalms, and James's now distant figure like the statue of a weeping angel kept him at bay. He felt too small and alone, he wished he would never have to face death again even though he would have to especially in the profession he had chosen to follow in his life and he wished even harder that his own son would never feel that separating pain. Then as they lowered the casket he heard Katie scream and cry, she was holding too many things inside for too long, Logan tried to reach her but her brother was always there besides her. James apologized for some reason for dragging them in his pain, Carlos fought desperately not to start pummeling people left and right because they either did nothing or looked at them in pity or like they didn't belong mourning so close to the family. But Mr. Diamond was crying in Jennifer Knights' arms and anyone who judged them simply couldn't understand.

Afterwards the people that didn't belong to the family formed two lines and the Diamonds passed between them as they gave them the traditional Jewish condolence, Logan with Camille and Kelly by his side, he felt the need to say it in the original language but he didn't know how, he would gladly exchange everything he ever learned in med school for it.

James was passing by him. Time froze. Logan stretched a shaking hand out to him. His fingers grazed James's. He pulled it back burned by the sensation of James's own cold skin. James kept his head low, their eyes never met, but his lips curled into a smile that held all his love and gratitude for Logan.

The family went back to wash their hands in symbolic gesture, the rest started to scatter.

* * *

Outside the iron gate of the cemetery Kelly begged Gustavo to take a cab back to his hotel because the big tough producer had fallen apart. He threw the old -you're fired- threat at her to make her stop. It only made Kendall join the argument, he didn't win against him for once, this just wasn't his week. Logan was talking to the Garcias making promises to visit them next time he was in town, only Carlos's parents planned to come by James's house, they didn't want to be a bother.

They had to make new arrangements for the cars; Logan took charge and split them up. Carlos was dropping his brother and Lena back to his house, Kendall would drive himself, his family Gustavo and Kelly, and Logan and Camille would share a cub. Camille actually laughed in his face.

"And again you're jumping to the conclusion we've buried the hatchet…" But they still started to walk down the road side by side.

"Why didn't you even give James a hug back then?" She asked in a raspy choked tone, throat exhausted from her sobs.

"I tried to touch him near the end, his skin was ice."

"Or you were just burning up…"

"What's that supposed to mean?" The vibration of her phone was the one that interrupted them this time.

"Hold that thought!" She lifted a finger shushing him and grinned wide.

"Hi! Glad you called. No, you're not interrupting…The funeral just ended…Yeah, I'm fine…Jimmy was like we guessed… Yeah, I'll give him your condolences don't worry, he actually asked about you before we left the house. Logan? Logan's right here. Don't get jealous on me Mr. Stetson, if you want that right you have to make up your mind first if you want to try a serious relationship or not. Until then you know the deal. No more one night stands with me." Logan stared at her and he felt the earth shake; only it was really him gesturing like a crazy person.

"Sorry I have to go and slap Logan before he has an aneurism. If you skype Jo tell her I missed her and I can't wait for her to come back from New Zealand ok? Yes you big baby I missed you too. Bye now." She hung up but she didn't slap Logan, she was enjoying his reaction too much to make him stop.

YOU'RE SLEAPING WITH JETT!"

"On and off again for a couple of years now. It's been all over the gossip columns how I go from him to James and back that's what most people think at least...any comments married man?" Logan stopped still; she ignored him because she spotted a cab and whistled after yelling taxi.

They arrived at James's house and Logan was all flustered and nervous but so was Camille even though she had been there just an hour ago, they found Carlos and Kendall waiting for them outside of their parked cars across the opposite road from the house, Camille went right in after giving them a nod. They walked a small distance just to make sure they wouldn't be overheard.

"How are you holding? His eulogy must have killed you in the inside." Carlos asked Logan concerned.

"It didn't actually, I think he's proud of me somehow…I can't believe you were right Kendall, he still loves me." Kendall gave a tired sigh out.

"And I can't believe you doubted that."

"Yes! Kendall of course I did! Why would I deserve his love after everything I put him through?"

"You doubted him back when you were together too Logan. You never thought you were worthy of him, not completely." Logan actually smirked on his accusation.

"Because he's fucking James Diamond, that's why I feel that way. He's breathtaking stunning and kind and has a heart big enough to fit the world in and I'm just me…"

"Bad news for you buddy because that man you just described is coming after you sooner or later and we all know what happens when James wants something."

"It's not funny Carlos!" Kendall fought the urge to scream.

"No Kendall, he's right, I need to man up. I need to talk to him, see what James wants from me and decide what I want for my life."

"Logan do you realize what you're saying here? You sound to me like you are ready to throw everything away for James. Are you sure that's what you want?" Kendall asked but Logan didn't answer, he crossed the street instead.

"Ten bucks they're having sex tonight one way or another." Carlos flashed a childish smile.

"What's with you and bets all of a sudden?" Kendall turned curious at Carlos.

"What do you think? I owe your sister a grand after betting her that Logan wasn't coming to the funeral."

"Idiot…You should have known better by now." He threw an arm around Carlos's shoulder and they followed Logan inside the house.

All the mirrors were covered and Mr. Diamond was seated on a low stool, James on the floor, he had exchanged his black leather shoes for an old pair of sneakers, he wasn't allowed to wear them during Shiva, the week of mourning, but then again in the inside he thought it was funny how he bothered with the old customs when he knew he was damned anyways. He loved a man, and there weren't many religions out there that would applaud such an action, not on written doctrine at least. But James remembered his mother and how devoted in her faith she was, and how she had her own way of honoring God. He believed firmly she was right and His Creator would still love him no matter what. The moment he saw Logan seat next to Gustavo and their eyes met in longing he had decided. If there was a Hell even though he was taught there wasn't one, he would gladly risk it in exchange for a second of the Paradise he shared with Logan once.

Food was served, the guests themselves had brought and passed it around, Mr. Diamond started and ended most conversations, and they all centered around memories of Brooke, Logan was mostly silent, he barely knew the woman and he felt sad about it now, she could have been his mother-in-law once, if he wasn't a coward and if she, let's face it, wasn't a bitch. He should have taken time to know her; it should have been him and not Camille that patched things up between her and James. His entire body jolted when he heard James laughing on something his aunt had said about Brooke being a groupie back in the day.

James talked to everyone, everyone but Logan, and fear crept in Logan's mind that they were going to miss their chance again but they were in a room full of people and the mourner had to initiate conversation. So Logan patiently waited for a sign from James, maybe he could go to the bathroom or something along the lines. When it finally came, it came in the form of a text and it wasn't from James. Not the James that was standing on his opposite at least, but the one that Logan refused to call by that name, even though it was just the middle name and there was hardly ever any need.

"Grandma's helping me write! Mom said you're coming home tomorrow daddy! We want to see you!" That woke him up, reality came crushing down. He stood up to leave mumbling that it was getting late and he had a flight to catch, the people that knew his secret threw him panicked and sad looks. He was leaving again as far and as fast as it was possible, he gave Mr. Diamond a handshake and gave them all his deepest condolences, all but James whose face had turned to stone. He got up too, threw his arms around him as fast as he could, Logan felt the cold again and it made his blood start to boil.

"I am glad you came Logan." His tone was distant; his voice unemotional, Logan gave him a scrutinizing look. James wasn't going to stop him this time either. Something stirred inside of him, anger and disappointment, it was selfish and it was immature of him to feel this way but he couldn't control it.

"I got to go…" He said and pulled away from him, maybe this was James's way of evening the score. Get him to come and feel all this things just to show him he didn't care anymore. But Logan couldn't afford to confront him; he gave quick goodbyes to everyone and almost sprinted to the door.

"Want me to drive you?" Katie bellowed from behind, she actually said it in an attempt to patch things up between them before he left tomorrow, but Logan turned and glared daggers at her. With that he left for the safety of his own parents' house.

James started to count the seconds until a fair amount of time had passed and dusk had fallen, he turned tired to the remaining guests and his family and asked to be excused to go to bed. He winked at Camille, he squished Carlos by the shoulder and he gave Kendall his most determined smile on the way up. Carlos leaned over to Kendall's ear and whispered in a conspiratorial husked voice.

"That's ten bucks you owe me Kenny…"

"Fuck…he's going to jump out the window and go to…" Kendall couldn't finish the sentence; he had to choke his worried nervous smile instead.


	5. Chapter 5

**You say I am Frozen**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. (Not even the word Jangsty that's the property of ZheDoctursMinion115 I am just spreading it around)**

**Pairing: James/Logan**

**Rating: M **

**Warnings: Smut, language, jangsty, drama**

**A/N: This is the last chapter of this story, I think this was worst idea I ever had but somehow because some of you connected with it I couldn't bring myself to drop it. Maybe I should have. I tried to fit as many things as I could and now this chapter is HUGE and it was a major pain to write (I'm even posting the last part without having proofed it just so you know). Anyway there are some cliffhangers and loose ends and you are all going to hate the ending but frankly I need to walk out and move on from this piece now, for my sanity's sake! Gather your pitchforks and welcome aboard!**

**To Kanerbaby and KEALY KAMES from the bottom of my heart.**

"Yeah I just got back…." Logan was entering his parents' house and was giving his wife a small update, he didn't need to hide how tired and drained he was both physically and emotionally, he felt grateful for that. He hated lying to her; he even resented himself for telling her half-truths.

"Oh sweetie, how did it go?"

"It was…I don't know really, part of me felt good for going, part of me is glad that it's over…." He gave a sigh out; he knew what she was going to ask next, he battled at the crossroads ahead of him, because what he felt during the funeral, what he felt when he saw James, made him realize the truth. Katie was right, he can't have it all, and maybe he wasn't entitled to have anything after all of his mistakes.

"Did you manage to talk to James…?" She held her breath, her heart raced; she twisted the telephone cable around her index finger nervously. Logan just thought she was concerned and hopeful about the once brotherhood friendship.

"A little, in his eulogy he told the story of how Brooke made me change my name…he thanked me for coming and that was it. We didn't talk about…us." He punched the word, hoping like she could catch some obscure hint and question him about it. He was determined to tell the truth. He was too oblivious, she was too scared.

"So, nothing happened?" She didn't change her tone and Logan started to feel frustrated, he finally decided that she deserved to know firsthand and not through a phone line.

"No, it's still the same between us but Angie, when I get back we need to talk about something, something very important." He didn't let the weight of his guilt crush him, James or no James he was determined to do the right thing for her and their family.

"Logan…Just get some rest…clear your head, get back home safe to us…Noah misses you so much, you can't imagine. We both do." That shook his conviction, the reality that the truth would rip him apart from his son once and for all, he forgot Katie's earlier outburst entirely missing all the signs.

"Ok, I'll be home by tomorrow afternoon…"

"Good. I love you honey. Goodnight, call me before you get on the plane."

"I love you too. Good night...kiss him for me. Tell him I'll be there tomorrow." They hung up at the same time, Logan fell on the living room couch and stared at the ceiling with tearful eyes, she stared frantically at the phone trying to think what else to do to keep her dream going.

Logan's body was shivering, he still felt the ghost of James's embrace, his icy skin and how it felt to the touch, the echo of his voice when he thanked him, the shape of his shadow as they entered the funeral home. This was his reward for his cruelty and kindness, new memories of James and the ravaging realization of how empty his life was.

He heard the drizzle of rain outside, he had seen the clouds gather the day before but they came too late for Brooke Diamond, he thought God was playing a joke; shouldn't it have started pouring the moment he saw James and not now when he was once more left alone in the darkness? He let the sound of raindrops lull him to a troubled sleep.

A loud booming bang woke him up and jolted him to life. He thought it was thunder but there was no light coming in from the living room windows, and then he realized someone was pounding at the door. He stood up and ran up to the door in order to answer furiously; he just wanted to be left alone for just one night was that too much to ask?

"CAMILE ROBERTS I SWEAR THIS TIME YOU ARE THE ONE WHO'S GETTING SLAPED!" He thrust the door open, and his heart couldn't take it anymore.

James was standing in front of him, soaked and wet and white as a sheet, shaking desperate like a leaf, piercing Logan with broken hazel eyes.

"Logan…"

"James…what are…you…"

He didn't have time to finish his sentence James came through the doorstep and grabbed him pulling him in his arms; he kissed him forcefully on the mouth, desperate to steal his breath away. Logan parted his lips welcoming his tongue with his own; he threw his arms around James's frozen body. Misplaced promises to have and to hold through sickness and in health were burned to a crisp, they were replaced by the rising fire Logan felt consuming his entire body because James was so cold and Logan just wanted to share his warmth with him again.

Logan slammed the door with a flailing arm, barring the outside world to protect his James. James lifted him higher, straddling him around his waist, they stopped the kissing, their eyes locked.

"Logan this is wrong…I just buried my mother…I can't do this to your family…" Logan shook his head; there was no way he could back down from this now that he felt James's rapid heartbeat through their connected chests drum with his own heart in unison. He kissed him again, James's breath was his life and everything else was a lie, a dream, a nightmare.

"I'm sorry James…I am so sorry…" They fell on the couch, Logan helped him take his soaked coat off and threw it on the floor, James almost ripped Logan's shirt apart.

"I love you Logan, I just can't stop loving you…" James didn't let him say it back, he just kissed him again making him moan, he forgot how he loved that sound, how it made him loose control, his body instinctively grinded forward, Logan felt the weight crushing him, he buried his face underneath the crook of James's neck, biting and marking trying to remember the exact spot that he used to brand James with his teeth.

Logan's mind exploded with too many thoughts, his friends, his family, his lovers, his son, he needed to grab onto something because he was spiraling into insanity, then he felt James's fingers intertwining lovingly in his own, he squished them together as hard as he could. They kissed again and it was like the first kiss they ever had in their lives, like the first kiss this universe had ever seen, mixing tongues and grinded teeth, mixing love with pain, light with dark, salvation with sin.

James stopped, he pulled away Logan saw the fear and hunger consume his eyes, his breathing was erratic, sweat had replaced the rain water, Logan cupped his cheek with a shaking hand.

"It's okay James, do whatever you want with me, I'm yours you're mine…always…" Logan's other hand trailed down towards his back pocket he took out his wallet and after his fingers had found what they desperately needed he threw it on the floor. The sick memento he had taken from Katie was now going to be their way out, the key to unlock the garden they had once lost.

James took the condom from his hand, every time he took a piece of clothing off he prayed for Logan to stop him even though he wouldn't stop anyways, he just wanted one of them to be a better man, to have some sense of what was happening but Logan's clothes followed and the only thing he asked of him was to hurry.

James was on top, Logan had his legs parted as wide as he could, they were kissing and moaning and James was ready to go inside of his lover after what seemed like an eternity, he just couldn't find the courage or the strength to make that push that would condemn them.

"I love you…" Logan whispered and pulled him down for a kiss, James's body jolted to life, Logan parted his lips so he could scream as he felt the pain he thought he would never feel again. That sweet, hot pain that filled his body with pleasure, those sensations he thought were lost to him forever.

Logan was too tight after six long years and they only had the lubricant from the condom and no real time for any foreplay, they felt they were being hunted in some way. James felt the pressure around him, almost too unbearable. He pulled back completely he had no choice but to force his way to Logan, he pushed back in ramming him with all the strength his abused tired body could muster, it was enough. They both let long pleasured screams out, their voices drowned the rain. James repeated the rough ramming a few times more until Logan felt more loose around him, James managed to build a pace Logan started to count each and every thrust in his mind, it was important to him, he wanted to know how long his happiness lasted.

"James…you're so good…this feels so good…I don't deserve this…fuck…"

"God Loggie…say my name again…not another word…just my name…"

James pulled away and Logan turned to rest on his knees and on his elbows and welcomed him back in, their lovemaking was rough and hard and desperate but this time they knew it would be the last and so they savored it with every fiber of their being, a part of them hoped that this night signaled the first of many but they didn't allow the hope to fester. No more lies between them. James was on Logan's back one arm around his waist he pulled him higher and kissed him fervently, Logan whispered his name inches away from his mouth.

Logan turned back and James fell behind him his head on the others' shoulder, Logan's back to James's chest. One of Logan's legs was high in the air held by James's hand their bodies still connected; James kept going inside of Logan with more force deeper and deeper, as far as he could manage. He wished he could kiss that shoulder, return the marks Logan had given him but he refrained himself, he knew Logan's soul would be his for eternity but he had to return the rest of him by morning light, but when he hit that small bundle of nerves that made Logan shake to the core and scream out his name again in relevance he decided it was a fair trade.

"JAMES! Oh James…don't stop…more…love me more…harder…" But James couldn't go on for much longer, Logan was too constricting, too warm, too beautiful, and he felt his body aching for release. He placed one hand around Logan and jerked him as fast as he could. Logan knew why, he fought to get free he didn't want this to end, his body betrayed him soaking James's hand with white hot streams, James's followed tumbling in his own orgasm moaning his name.

"Logan…I can't hold it any longer…I'm sorry…I can't…" One violent thrust followed by three more, and he released everything he had inside of Logan, condom or not Logan still felt filled to the brim. They turned around, face to face and they kissed again trying to convey everything into each other, it was slow and heartbreaking and it tasted like the tears that were running down their cheeks.

"I love you…I love you so much…"

"I love you too. I never stopped, please James, believe me I'll never stop..." James nodded and they kissed again, they allowed their bodies to settle but they didn't let themselves fall to sleep. They had saved hours until dawn and the night was perfect, filled with darkness and a rain that soon became a storm. They wanted to use the rest of their time to give atonement to each other, it was more important than releasing the pent up passion with their bodies. They both had haunting questions and too many sins eating away their ravaged souls.

* * *

"His name is Noah…" Logan whispered staring at the ceiling, James though stared lovingly at him, making sure to etch every feature of Logan's face into his mind to store it away like a treasure for the rest of his life.

"Noah James Mitchell…" He saw the hazel eyes fill up with sudden curiosity; James couldn't hold a smile and Logan answered it with his own. James was surprised, somehow he forgot about those adorable dimples and asked himself how could he ever forget something so beautiful?

"Not after you silly, my father-in-law. I never even met the man; he's been dead for years…"

"The guys never said anything…" A dead parent and Logan, he shared too many things with a woman he had never even met.

"Like you needed more torture…I made them swear not to tell you…"

"Torture Logan? Why did you agree to name him James in the first place? And Noah is a jewish name too asshole…Seriously you really believed I wanted you to suffer every time you called him by his name?" Logan gave a sad tired sigh out and James kissed him tenderly to banish some of the guilt before letting him continue.

"I met Angie a little less than a year after we broke up or rather…I acted like a coward and I left you... anyway she came up to me because a friend of hers was a fan of the band but she didn't have the courage to come ask me out by herself, so she send Angie while she hid behind a corner. I said yes, it reminded me of that silly day when you were trying to help me ask Camille to the prom so I said yes…We made it a double date because her friend was too intimidated by me, so Angie agreed to come along with a then serious boyfriend. The date was a disaster of course. I was too silent lost in memories of you, her friend was too shy and Angie and her boyfriend had a big fight because she had dragged him out on a school night just so he could share a table in a burger joint with a has been boy band member."

"Really? Has been? Dude, you made more money with the band that the douche will ever see in his entire life!" Logan laughed; this was his James, the eternal lovable pretty boy that always said the first thing that came in his head.

"I like how you notice the important details…"

"It's either jokes or falling apart again Logan. And I want to hear this from your mouth…See how you managed to do the thing I couldn't…move on…" Logan's calm face changed, the mask of the caring father and the dutiful husband broke to a thousand pieces, only the lover was left and he was angry and frustrated.

"I never moved on James! Angie and I started to hang out afterwards but I never opened up to her, I rarely talked about the old days even though she was curious to know how I abandoned a booming carrier in Hollywood for an endless string of all nighters and dissections. We became friends first, she was the first friend I made on my own totally unconnected with any of you, and then I kissed her in a super market aisle one night because I ended up staring at those damn Cuda products of yours trying to stop myself from crawling back to you, begging on my knees for you to take me back, and the thought just scared me alright! We decided to take it slow…well, she decided, she was a little torn up about her recent break up and I used the opportunity to see if I could move on from you…as a result we hardly ever touched each other. I was ready to break it at that frat party but I just had too many beers trying to find the courage to end things with the first person that even spoke to me in the entire campus for almost a year because I was just too famous and withdrawn, and then I heard your voice come out from the speakers and I just lost it! The DJ announced that this was James Diamond's first new solo single and I grabbed Angie and…" He started to cry, how could he have been so stupid and careless that night? James looked at him astonished, this story didn't really help his own guilt, it didn't make him hate Logan like he often wished he could, the only thing it made him do was to hold his shaking body in his arms and whisper in his ear trying to calm him down.

"It's okay Logan…it's not your fault…I pushed you out the door remember…I pressured you because I was scared that you would leave to follow your own dreams and the only thing I managed to do was make you ran away. I didn't stop you, I didn't come after you and you felt empty and alone and you just missed me…."

"Well, I still miss you, you idiot! I was holding my son for the first time and he was crying and the only thing I did was try to remember the lyrics to the song you sung to Gustavo on that damned audition because I wanted you there with me in the delivery room anyway possible! Every time I step into the hospital and start my rounds I have this stupid flashback of you in bed in life support because you thought I stole your swagger! I barely touch her! And when I do the only thing that goes in my head is not to scream your name!"

Logan realized he was shouting, like his life and all the choices he had made were James's fault, but James just bit his lower lip and then decided the best thing he could do was kiss his forehead lovingly, it calmed Logan down, he was still crying but his breathing settled and his chest stopped heaving rapidly. After a few minutes it was Logan's turn to ask in whisper.

"Why didn't you stop me from leaving? Why didn't you try to listen to what I wanted James? Didn't you see I wasn't ready to come out to the world?"

"I…ever since we were kids you said you'd be a doctor someday, so even when we were in high school I thought you'd be the first to leave and I'd never see you again…then Kendall would follow because he would get scouted and become a big hockey star and Carlos would…I don't know get married because he's so adorable he doesn't even know it or arrested for breaking a wall down with his head or something. And I'd stay back in Minnesota in my empty big house and I would have no choice but to live my life the way my mother planned it for me, because I wasn't capable of doing anything else. I only had a pretty face and a decent voice, apart of you guys people only saw the pretty boy. And when that audition happened and Gustavo chose Kendall, it was like a confirmation you know? James David Diamond always second best…But then we all went to L.A and I realized it was happening because of my dream! And I was more than happy to share it with you because it meant that we would be together for just a little bit longer! And then we became a couple and it was awkward and wonderful and I wanted to scream it to the world…But in the back of my head I knew you'd all leave me eventually…you had dreams of your own…and I could survive without Kendall or Carlos but you Logan…Do you know how dead I feel inside without you? Every night I look in the mirror and I say to myself it was my entire fault. I was too insecure and selfish and instead of coming to you with all my issues I made you ran away. So, when I heard that you started your own family whatever the reasons might have been I decided to do the right thing for once… I just wanted to do the right thing for you, that's the reason I never came after you…"

Logan had started to cry desperately again half way through James's confession buried in his chest but this time so did James. They held each other as close and with as much strength as their tired bodies and their shattered hearts allowed them. But then James heard Logan mumble something through his choked sobs and he pulled away looking down on him stunned.

"What did you just say…?"

"I said…ask me to…stay…Ask me to come with you…I want to be with you…I shouldn't have left James! I'm sorry…"

"Logan no…don't say that…please…"

"I can get a divorce and we both have money…we can get custody of Noah and…and…we can be the family you always wanted… that's what you want right somebody to share your life with…?"

James's entire body trembled, his heart wanted to jump out of his chest and scream yes, but if the last three days had taught him anything it was that life wasn't build on dreams it was build on decisions and the wrong ones had the power to stay with you and haunt you, eat your soul away until you were left an empty husk. Sometimes you had the chance to change things like tonight, and sometimes time simply wasn't enough, like the cruel parting with his mother. So James wiped Logan's tears and then his own and tried to gather all of his courage.

"It would make me the happiest man alive Logan to raise your son as my own, believe me I've dreamt about it ever since I learned he was coming to this world, I cursed and screamed and lamented the fact that he wasn't ours somehow in the first place but now I know it can never happen. It's impossible."

"No…it's not James…" Logan shook his head, he didn't want to listen to the truth even though he knew what James was going to say, even in his lovesick state he wasn't a fool.

"What court is going to take a child from the safety of his home and throw it in my world Logan? Can you imagine the scandal? They'd hunt us down and spit our bones dry, you know how show business works! Even If I give my career up first thing in the morning they would still come after us…all the jackals and the narrow minded…And I don't give a damn about what they say or do about me or you even, but I am not going to put a child through this just because I want a second chance with you!"

"He's young…he won't remember…we'll make it up to him, I know you'll be a better father than me James…"

"No! Logan trust me scars like this stay with you for eternity! And his mother would rather kill him first than let us have him when she learns the whole truth! I don't care what Katie says, I refuse to believe the woman you chose to build a life with is anything like she suspects but any mother will fight with any means possible to keep her child. I am not ashamed of us Logan, I never was but some things are more sacred than what we have."

"What! Katie told you about that crazy theory…."

"Yes Logan, she's been trying to get me to come after you for years! She didn't even talk to me for a couple of months at some point. But that's not important…what's important is you go back to your family and be the best father that boy could ever ask for!"

"But I want to raise him with you…I want you…"

"We're not kids anymore Logan. It's time to face the music. We had our chance and we screwed it up… I won't take you away from your family and I won't let you ran from the one shot in happiness you still have. Because if you tell me that little boy doesn't make you the happiest man alive, I swear to God I'll kill you right here because then the man I fell in love with would be a lie and I went through all this pain for absolutely nothing…"

Logan wanted to fight back, to find an argument that could change James's mind, one that made sense and wasn't born out of his selfish lustful love but as much as he wanted to he couldn't come up with anything.

"Just promise me that you will give him what I never had Logan. Promise me he'll know he is loved by his parents everyday you are blessed to be in his life. For me Logan, do it for me..." If Logan asked again James wouldn't be able to say no, and he knew it too, he could see it in his eyes but between losing James again or losing his son which was right and wrong was crystal clear for him to see.

"If only we had more time…" Logan finally settled on James's chest and spoke no more, James rested his head on Logan's and after making sure his love was asleep he allowed himself to fall in the dreams that never were.

* * *

By morning the storm had turned back to a quiet drizzle and reality had come along with the grey sun. Logan's cell phone begun to buzz and woke both of them violently, the sanctity of what they shared broke into a thousand pieces. He was shaking when he picked it up from the table and James looked at him in complete and utter fear but before he answered he mumbled the name on the screen and they both settled.

"Hey Kendall…"

"Is he there?" There was no accusation just worry in his voice just in case James had opted to do something even more crazy like hurt himself physically, he had been through enough in the last three days to make the dark fantasy a possible reality.

"He's here…"

"Thank God…Are you both ok?"

"Yes Kendall we're fine…just tired, we talked all night that's all…" Kendall didn't plan to say anything but James for some reason snorted loudly behind Logan, Logan turned and glared daggers at him making him remember his angry adorable face, James mumbled an apology while Kendall fought both urges to either scream and call them names or hung the phone and run down the street cheering like he won the lottery.

"A-ha just talked. Fine let's go with that so you won't combust on us. Are you catching your flight?" Kendall held his breath that answer would tell him everything he needed to know, Logan turned and stared at James taking in how beautiful he was he lifted a shaking hand on his direction and James grabbed it for dear life, the shaking stopped his hesitation died.

"Yeah…I need to be at the airport by noon."

"Alright…if that's what you guys want…I'll drop by with Carlos later, we'll drive you to the airport. Can you pass James over?"

"Sure…Here, Kendall wants to talk to you…"

"Good morning Kendork. Don't you have school or anything…?"

"No, I took more than a days' leave just in case. Your dad called earlier, he knows you snuck out. I told him you slept over here; he said it was fine just call him when you wake up. Seriously James I felt awful lying to the man, just tell me you got some sense of closure in all of this…"

"Ask me again in a few hours….I'm sorry Kendall, I didn't want to drag you…"

"Oh, shut up and go spend what time you have with Logan…I can't stay mad at you right now. Just make sure you both eat something before we leave, I bet you two hardly even slept."

"Whatever you say Papa K…See you in a couple of hours. Bye."

Kendall stared at the phone wishing he was there right now, so he could bash it on their heads, he just prayed that the night they spend together wasn't the starting point of a new cycle of pain and heartache for them. He gave a sigh out and was ready to call Carlos to see if he was up, but then his sister tapped him on the shoulder.

"Did they have sex?"

"OH GOD! KATIE! Jesus Christ! You scared me! Lower your damn voice, mom's right in the other room!"

"Answer my question bro. Tell me they at least had sex."

"Yes they had sex happy now? Go spook someone else ninja girl." Kendall whispered after making sure his mom wasn't in hearing distance and was too busy chatting with Camille who had spend her night over at their house.

"Tell Logan I'm not mad with him anymore and that he owns me big time for the condom." Then she slouched over at the kitchen table and Kendall thought that was that but then he heard her booming happy voice.

"Pay up girls! You each owe me a hundred! "

"I need to get that DNA test done…I cannot be related to that shark!" And after flailing like an idiot for a few minutes he remembered the he had to call Carlos.

"Who…died…now…?" Carlos mumbled in his half sleep and Kendall almost dropped the phone when he heard the most insensitive, rude answer his ears had ever registered.

"You are going to Hell for that Garcia!"

"Yeah…yeah...don't get your undies twist into a bunch Professor…Did you talk with angst and angstier?"

"They spend the night together; Logan's still leaving though…" Carlos gave a sigh out, he would give everything he had to see his friends together and happy but it sadly wasn't in the cards.

"Want to tie them up go kidnap Noah and vanish from the face of the Earth?" Kendall had to make a joke, just so they wouldn't feel so powerless in the face of what was coming.

"I left my helmet in New York captain, so maybe next week…"

"Okay it's a date…Carlos can you really think of anything because I don't want to see them go through this again…"

"Kendall I love them too but it's their life man…Our place is to stand by them not make things harder for them…"

"You're right…Damn why do I keep feeling so old and useless for the last three days…?"

"Tell you what. After we drop Logan to the airport and James to his house how about you and me go to the old hokey ring and play a few rounds. I'll even let you beat me."

"It's on Carlitos! But keep your sympathy I want to wipe the floor with your jerk face fare and square!"

"Whatever floats your boat Knight. See you in an hour?"

"Make it two; I'd rather get a speed ticket than cut their time sort. See you later bro."

"Bye…BRO!" Carlos slammed the phone a little angry, it wasn't Kendall's fault really that he had all those conflicting emotions bottled inside of him. He didn't know when and how he had fallen in love with Kendall, he didn't even know if it was real or the story of Logan and James had somehow screwed his head. What he did know though, was that he had to make the opportunity happen by himself, not wait for it and certainly not throw it away like his friends had done. And if Kendall shot him down, he wasn't planning of wasting his life pining over him. Carlos settled on the most sound plan his sleepy mind could think off ask Katie for advice, he was going to follow it to the letter too.

* * *

James took his time in the shower while Logan made them breakfast, it felt different from any other time he had done it before, it felt natural and that led to a new round of self-disgust and self-loathing, he considered throwing it into the trash bin as soon as it was served. But he had one chance to do this for him so he smothered the feelings down; he also turned off his phone for good measure, let the guilt come afterwards when he and his wife were face to face, let him have this just once, the semblance of the dream that he belonged to James.

James came down wearing one of Logan's old jersey shirts and one of his father's sweatpants, they were too tight and looked too silly but it was a far better outfit than the still damped funeral attire, besides he still was the most beautiful man on the face of the earth in Logan's eyes. He just wished they had the strength the time or the courage to make love again; they sat opposite each other at the kitchen table though, in what was considered safe distance.

"My trainer is going to kill me…" James started gulping down at the feast in front of him and Logan begun to laugh uncontrollably.

"Camille said the same thing yesterday Jimmy." Logan teased between his giggles.

"God, I wish she could cut that out! It sounds like I'm ten and dorkish!"

"Have you asked her?"

"Have you met her? Besides I sort of love it too, it's like our thing, that and silly post it notes..."

"I'm glad you have a friend by your side." And he was, he was grateful to Camille for being there to take care of James for him. It seemed appropriate somehow now.

"Logan, I don't care what you've heard over the years but I'm not in self-imposed exile crying over you. I have new friends, and Camille, Gustavo, Kelly…Jo comes to visit when she's not shooting something with that silly Spanish director of hers on the other side of the globe, Jett's a decent guy once you get to know him, could treat Cam a little better but well, she's a big girl. And Kendall and Carlos are there as much as they can and whenever I need them…"

"But I'm not…"

"No you're not…and that's why I felt so empty and cold for the last six years. But that's going to change Logan. I know it's going to eat you up from the inside if I don't try to make myself happy somehow right? So I promise you I'll try my best. Just focus on that kid of yours okay?"

"You sound like you love him just as much as I do."

"Well, he's yours how can I not? Besides Carlos can't shut up about him, I've seen photos over at Momma K's, he looks just like you…I just wish I could meet him once…" That slipped off his tongue and they continued to eat in silence trying to not back down from their decisions.

A few minutes passed afterwards and something had started to nag Logan's brain, he needed to ask him for his insight because James was the one person closest to him and had a unique way to look at the world.

"James, what if Katie's right? What if Angie knows something or she tricked me somehow…" James bit his lip, he felt his jealousy boil his insides ready to explode, but Logan needed him and after helping him put his mother to rest by simply being there James had to be mature and objective with his answer.

"It doesn't sound that crazy if you really think about it Logan. You have money from the band days, you're famous, fucking breathtaking, smartest man I've ever met, so she could have easily come after you for any of the above reasons originally. You could have also slipped someway, you could have mumbled something in your sleep or she could have found a keepsake, a photo…Damn, I still have that silly little crock you won at the fair for me. But then there's Noah, she didn't bring a child to this world just to tie you down and you've made it this far, I don't think a person could keep up a charade like that for six years…"

"I did. I don't know how long I can do it anymore even if I have to do it for Noah, but I did. I'm a liar, a coward and a cheat, let's not pretend just because it's us that what we did wasn't selfish and…"

"Oh! Now you regret it because it's over!"

"Fuck no! The only thing I regret is that I didn't ran to the closest convenience store to get a pack of condoms so we could do it all night! See James, this is us! We drive each other crazy with maddening lust and we bring out the worst in each other! That's why I left! And that's why I want to stay….I love you James! You make me feel so alive that…" He stood up from his chair realizing that words weren't enough, James's body flooded with fear as he walked and sat on top of him, straddling himself around him. He kissed him and James could do nothing but try to match his passion. It was wet and warm and it woke their bodies, their hearts screamed for the abuse. Logan broke contact of their lips and rested his forehead on James's own. He knew what would happen if he didn't stop.

"The moment it becomes unbearable James and I can't live without you anymore, I'm coming after you, I don't care if it's right or wrong, and if you've moved on, fine, but if you haven't please let's try again. Let's keep the hope alive too."

"We have to try to do what's right for Noah first Logan…."

"I know. I'll do my best. I promised you and I owe him that, he's the only thing I love more than you. But let's not kid ourselves baby, we owe each other this too…"

James kissed him again it was meant as a good bye kiss and it was so long and sweet and it made them lose track of the time it broke their hearts all over again. When they heard a car horn coming loudly from outside they just hugged each other refusing to let go, until they both stopped crying and the pain had settled to at least a bearable level.

"They're not coming out…"

"Relax Ken, you know they won't be able to say goodbye in public. It's not even safe for James to come as far as the airport."

"Yeah, especially since Brooke's obituary is out. Crap! We'll have paparazzi all over the place."

"Just like the old days." Carlos giggled and Kendall followed, the laughter died when James and Logan stepped out of the house. Logan looked defeated and without any purpose in life, what made it worse though was that James had a little fake grin on his lips trying to be the strong one. Kendall considered running them over and put them out of their misery.

Logan threw his suitcase in the back of the trunk and went to sit in the back with James; they held hands the moment he entered, savoring the last minutes of their freedom.

"James am I dropping you…"

"Don't even finish that sentence; I'm coming with you as far as the airport. You can park near the coffee shop a few corners away. You'll walk Logan up make sure he didn't miss his flight, I'll stay in the car." Logan threw James a curious look but Carlos beat him to the question.

"How much of this had you planned ahead Diamond?" Carlos asked with a smirk.

"Mind your own business Garcia." James matched it with a genuine smile of his own and he squished Logan's hand in his. Logan felt him shaking; he let small teardrops fall in silence as Kendall started the car.

The drive was too slow thanks to the morning traffic, the rain had stopped but the sky was still appropriately grey. Kendall had the idea to sing to pass the time, they were off tune and out of practice at least Kendall and Logan were, Carlos was okay, James was marvelous and smug about it thanking them all for quitting on the band so they didn't drag him down with them. At one point they even called Gustavo and sung to him through the phone for old times' sake. He called them names and untalented and swore to kill them, then he cried for an hour like a big baby in Kelly's supportive arms. The singing and the jokes and the reminiscing died at the sight of the airport.

"We're here. It's time." Logan bit his lips, the first time he left was much easier, he had anger to fuel him then, fear, this time though he only felt love for James. As Kendall parked the car Logan fell on James's chest, he wasn't crying, he wasn't scared, he was just sad about having to let go. He kissed his chest lovingly trying to drown himself in the scent, he heard James's heart beat steady and he heard him take his breaths long and far between. James wrapped his arms around him, kissed his forehead, closed his eyes. Kendall gave a nudge to Carlos to step out of the car and play watchdogs just in case. What he really didn't want was to hear the last words of affection his brothers were about to exchange; they were considered too sacred for anyone but them.

"I love you James. I will never be complete without you; I'll be half a man for the rest of my life…Thank you for loving me, I'll miss you with my entire being…"

"I..." James begun to cry desperately and Logan reached up and kissed the tears away, he held him closer just above the crook of his neck, he looked into his eyes and gave him permission to kiss. James's lips fell softly on his neck, he didn't bite or mark but Logan would feel the softness and the warmth for the rest of his life.

"Loving you, that's my reason for being here Logan. That's why God made me. I don't need to be close to you to do that. You are inside of me, a part of me. I wish I could hold you forever but I know you don't belong to me anymore. You belong to your son, and I give you back to him. Just take care of him, make him happy, for me Logan. Show me that losing you was worth it, raise him to be a good man but let him be himself, make his own choices Logan. Don't choke him with your love."

"I promise James. I love you."

"I love you too."

They didn't kiss on the lips, they didn't need to. Logan got off the car and grabbed his suitcase. He wanted to fall on the sidewalk and cry like the other day with Camille but he didn't; he started to walk down the street Kendall and Carlos by his side and towards the airport.

"LOGAN WAIT!" He turned back to see James coming after him, his legs begun to shake, he imagined that he would grab and kiss him on the spot but James stopped himself a few meters away with burning hazel eyes.

"Can I have a picture of him?" James asked holding his breath.

"Wait…" He took out his wallet, he had three but in only one of them was Noah by himself, the other two would just torture James since one had all three family members and the other had Logan's mother in it.

"Dude I could have given you one, no need for all the drama." Carlos said sarcastically, Kendall hit him with his elbow on the stomach and smiled nervously.

"Ignore him, he's just being Carlos."

"Yeah, but I love Carlos." James smiled at his friends and then turned back and looked at the photo decisively.

"All right, I can do this…No need to worry about me anymore Loggie. I can do this for him, I can let you go."

"Goodbye James." Logan smiled melancholically and nodded, he turned around once more and started to walk away from James, he focused on the road ahead, he didn't even look at his friends that were walking by his side. His heart screamed, his body, ached, his mind made a million scenarios on how to make his crazy fantasies into reality. But he remembered what he said to his son, it was the third day and he had promised to come back to him and he held tight to that promise because he didn't want to have any more regrets.

At the check in he said his goodbyes to Carlos and Kendall and even though he would see them again as soon as the holidays would come it was almost as hard as saying goodbye to James.

"If you want to cry your eyes out in the plane don't think about it. Just do it, okay?" Carlos gave him a tight hug and a pat on the back.

"That's not much of an advice Carlitos…" He looked at his friend thanking him with his eyes.

"Speaking of advice…I may come and visit you on my way to New York, can you spare a few hours from the hospital?"

"I have a few more days of leave, just call me and I'm there." Logan tried to read the scrutinizing look behind Carlos's eyes but he just couldn't put his finger on it.

"Is little Carlos hiding secrets from me?" Kendall asked as he took Carlos's place hugging Logan for dear life. Carlos rolled his eyes and even he was out of jokes.

"Yeah, I need tips on how to seduce you. How does that sound Knight?" Kendall laughed but Carlos didn't, Logan caught the wanting in his voice and stared at him dumbfounded over from Kendal's shoulder. Carlos just mumbled a "don't" and Logan held his tongue.

"You'll be okay buddy?"

"Yeah, don't worry; just take care of James for me...Kendall can I ask you for a favor?" He took out the keys for his parents' house and handed them over before Kendall could even answer knowing he could always count on them.

"I…We…The couch needs some cleaning…we left some stains." His cheeks were flushed red but Kendall just took the keys.

"I'll send them to you by courier. If you need anything else call."

"Thanks, you two are the best…Tell Jen I love her, I'll call her when I get home, make sure that she understands there's nothing to worry about anymore. Tell Camille…tell her I'll make a twitter account, we'll talk through that, and tell Katie…"

"I have a message from Katie actually. She told me she'll drop kick your door as soon as she finds a cork for her big mouth."

"Damn! I love our sister. Tell her that." Kendall nodded and Logan took one last look at his friends before he turned to leave.

"Bye guys, I love you both…"

Above the clouds minutes after the takeoff Logan dropped his head back on the cushion of his armchair, he whispered the name of the person he loved the most and prayed that the mother he had lost would keep on watching after him and one day she would lead him to happier days.

* * *

"I'm home…" Logan mumbled entering his house, his eyes scanned the lighted up living room frantically searching for another pair of eyes and when he found them they were shining, bursting with life and happiness. The little boy dropped his markers on the floor, he stomped and ripped the unfinished picture on his way to his father's arms, he was bouncing and shouting and Logan could only smile.

"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy's home!" He picked him up and held him tight, Noah put his tiny arms around his father's neck grabbing him so he wouldn't be able to leave again, he settled his little head on his father's shoulder and then he said the words again just because he had the need to hear them.

"Daddy's home…"

"Yeah…I'm home baby…" He kissed his head and the boy looked up to him taking in his father's face, making sure he remembered him correctly in his daydreams.

"I missed you daddy!" Angela, because only Logan called her Angie, stood on the entrance of her bedroom wiping away happy tears, she came up to Logan with a big smile on her face, she was so ecstatic to see him that all the worries and fears she held in her heart were wiped out in seconds.

"There you are…" She kissed him quickly on the lips if Logan had the time he would have pulled back, he didn't answer it, but it was so quick that she didn't notice.

"I'm back." Logan whispered and the guilt woke up, it took control. Logan put Noah down on the ground like he didn't have the right to touch him, but the boy didn't let go he wrapped a hand over Logan's fingers and clenched them in his fist.

"Did you see grandpa and grandma daddy? Auntie K…." Logan walked in his house pulled by the little king that demanded explanations, he answered them with a smile as best and as simplest as he could, his wife's questions were just as easy to answer. How was his flight, did he eat anything, how was everyone. She wasn't stupid enough to ask how was James and if he saw him again before he left. That would risk a conformation, because Logan would then remember that he wanted to come clean last night over the phone.

"I'll take a shower later, thanks dear. How were things here? Were you a good boy, huh, huh?" Logan poked Noah from all sides and made him wiggle laughing finally he took a big breath and shouted.

"AHA!" He exclaimed and then started to narrate the wild tales on how he helped mommy empty the grocery bags and how he played games with grandma and how he fell jumping up and down the couch and got a booboo.

"I got one too." Logan pointed at the back of his scull but the bump was gone, Noah didn't even notice that his father was showing him something.

"What? Did you bang your head someplace?" Angela asked with worried tone but Logan gave her a nervous giggle.

"A crazy old friend threw a shoe at me. That was fun." She thought it was Carlos so she didn't ask for details, Logan didn't even care if he was careless, he was adamant on keeping in touch with Camille, if he was forced to talk about her the sooner the better even if he had to lie.

"Mommy kissed it and the pain went away! Did anyone kiss your booboo daddy?"

"Yeah sport…daddy's pain went away too…daddy came home to you and the pain went bye-bye…" Noah stood up all proud with himself and smiled lovingly to his father then he remembered that he got a new stuff animal and dashed to his bedroom to bring it back in order to make proper introductions.

"Logan are you…?"

"I'm fine, just a little tired from the flight." He sounded distant and guarded, that spoke volumes to her it made her heart skip beats but she didn't let it show on her face. Noah came back so he could show off his new toy but Logan picked him in his arms again.

"Hey, did I tell you? Daddy doesn't have to go to work for a little while, so we can do whatever you want for a couple of days." The toddler's tiny jaw dropped trying to comprehend the idea then he shook with excitement and started to shout emptying his tiny lungs.

"Really, I get to play with daddy all day! Yaayyyy! You'll read to me and we'll watch Disney and …."

"Whatever you want." He kissed the top of his head and Noah was so happy that he was on the verge of tears.

"You're the best daddy ever. I love you daddy…"

"I love you too…" He almost called him by his middle name out of pure reflex but he stopped cold. Instead he took him to his room because he saw some sleepiness creep on his eyes and remembered how close to his bed time they were.

"Did we finish "Aladdin" sport?"

"Again!"

"Alright, again…" Noah wasn't the only one who wanted to hear a tale of granted wishes so he was happy to comply with the command.

She was left by herself in the living room; she felt anxiety and fear grip her by the throat. Logan had come back to them, to her, but she could clearly see that it was Noah that brought him back, she felt irrelevant, small. She went to the bathroom and locked herself in. She remembered that day, that day around her ninth month of pregnancy when she was confined in bed with nothing to do but watch old backstage videos of her husbands' glory days. A concert had just ended and everyone was gathering around a big table to eat, Jennifer Knight passed the plates, Carlos was making a mess while Kelly was playing peace maker between Gustavo and Kendall who had an epic silly argument about wardrobe choices, Katie was counting the big pile of her earnings ignoring all of them. Logan was missing and so was the mysterious James that she had never met, and then she caught them in the corner of the screen, hiding in a corner, kissing in a way he had never kissed her filling her insides with jealousy, her heart with rage. They came to the table and sat next to each other, their hands hidden under it, she imagined them linked. Logan was smiling and laughing and glowing with pure happiness and James was his reflection, the image of them all having dinner together was carved into her mind. They were a family in the way she dreamed that she and Logan would be once the baby was born, she threw the disc in the trash, Logan never noticed that it was missing; she decided to fight tooth and nail to make her dream come true.

She decided that she was going to replace them all slowly taking her time and she and her son would become the center of Logan's world like James was in the video. And she thought she had succeeded until that phone call four days ago, when she saw the conflicting emotion in Logan's eyes she had the craziest thought, test him. Send him to James and see if he would come back on his own volition but now that she had her victory she felt hollow and alone and petty, her consciousness begun to haunt her to new heights. The only thing she said to herself as she fell on the tilled floor was "I won…" over and over again trying to convince herself that it was true. She was the one trapped in the emptiness not Logan.

After Noah fell to sleep protected by the warm covers, Logan followed sitting beside him like a guardian protecting him from nightmares, the book dropped from his hands and unto the floor but it woke neither. They were too lost in their happy dreamlands, the boy dreamed that his father would keep all his promises and never leave again while Logan dreamed of how his ideal family would look like if he had three wishes, himself, Noah, and James. And it would last forever and Logan would be complete. His lips curled into a smile, he mumbled in his sleep.

"Someday…" And maybe Brooke Diamond heard his silent prayer from above and smiled down to him with a mysterious grin.


End file.
